The Neutering Power of the Luffa

Since when has it been acceptable for the luffa to be found in a man's shower? Am I missing something here? I mean, my mom always had a luffa in her shower, but I don't think my dad ever went anywhere near it.


For those of you who don't know, the luffa is a coarse, sponge-like item that is used BY WOMEN to exfoliate excess skin. I think that's how Wikipedia defined it. There are both natural and artificial versions, and they have a coarse texture to them that helps to "polish the skin". When did it become OK for a man to "polish his skin" ? Men use rags and sandpaper to polish their skin. Not luffas.

Is the luffa just another part of the metro-sexual movement that is currently sweeping our country? There are certain aspects of the metro movement that are acceptable... for example, a man knowing that his belt and shoes should always match is a good thing. But wearing eyeliner is pushing the envelope as a man a little too much. And using a luffa is just plain crossing the line from man into woman. Crossing that line isn't necessarily a bad thing, if you are actually trying to become a woman. But if you are trying to remain a man... well you just need to get that luffa out of your shower and donate your eyeliner to a Mary Kay fundraiser.

As hard as I looked on the internet this morning, I was 100% unsuccessful at finding a luffa in any manly colors. Normally you can find them in the same color schemes as women's scented soaps (lavender, pink, light yellow, baby blue, white). There are no luffas in red, blue, black, brown, etc, the manlier of the colors. SINCE NO ONE IS CURRENTLY PRODUCING A LUFFA IN A MANLY COLOR, SHOULDN'T THAT BE A SIGN? You might even expect to find luffas in some more neutral colors... green, orange, etc. But they just don't exist.



- But guys don't use luffas... -

For the past few months, this topic has been mulling on my mind. My brother, cousin and a friend currently live in the same house I do. Since we have 4 guys and only 2 bathrooms, we share the bathrooms. One day a white luffa showed up in my shared shower. So I went out looking for the woman who was staying in my house, unbeknownst to me. I looked for about 2 minutes and didn't find any women in the house. So I confronted my brother about the luffa, expecting it to be his. I was right. He confessed. But he had no idea the luffa wasn't meant for a man. How could he not know this? Isn't it an inherent trait born to men's nature to recognize items that are meant for women only? It's like when you are walking through the supermarket and you happen to glance down the Women's Products aisle... you immediately have this knee-jerk reaction which is fueled by an impressive adrenaline rush. Your manly stomach just tells you what products to stay away from.

During the past few days, I've been visiting another brother, staying in his college apartment while his 2 roommates are home for the holidays. In the bathroom which is normally shared by his 2 roommates, I found not 1 but 2 luffas. They are light yellow and lavender in color. I repeat, they are light yellow and lavender in color. Do these guys not know what this means?


- Pedicure + Luffa = Man? -

Apparently the education of "How to Be a Man" in our country is suffering. This is made painfully obvious by the increase in nail painting by young men, the increased eyeliner wearing by young men, the increased number of massages & pedicures being purchased by young men, and the increased usage of luffas by young men.

If we want to protect our country and maintain the rights which the founding fathers intended, then let us protect the manliness of the country. This country's freedom wasn't won by pedicure-getting, cuticle-trimming, luffa-scrubbing "men". I can only assume that the growing use of the luffa has been influenced by the French. What other nationality of men would use such a feminine item for such a feminine purpose? If you take a good hard look at the directional shift in our society during the past few years, you can see us becoming more and more like a country of French women. Think about it and try to argue against that point. I dare you.


- So what can we do? -

I'm proposing a National Luffa Boycott by all American men. (Maybe we can even call it a "Man-cott"... normally I am firmly against the use of puns and plays-on-words, but this instance will go as an exception to my normal position). As the Boston Tea Party inspired a nation to stand up for its rights and freedoms, so will the Luffa Boycott inspire this generation of American men, who are slowly becoming French women, to 1) embrace their manhood, 2) throw out the luffa, and 3) defend its rights as a generation of American men.

American men, rise up with me against the luffa!

Conspiracy + Peanut Butter = Terrorist Plot

As I was sitting around doing nothing the other day (or what some people call "working"), I was just staring at a jar of peanut butter. (For a minute, I had the thought run through my head "hey, isn't Bill Lumberg supposed to be walking by and harrassing me about something right about now?" ... but then I remembered that I'm the boss. sorry for the cheap Office Space ref..) Anyway, if you've never tried just sitting and staring at a jar of peanut butter, I'd highly recommend it - you'll get epiphany after epiphany. I've singled out one of these epiphanies to write about in today's blog. Here we go. Prepare to have your world shaken at its foundation.

So peanut butter is a very simple product. Let me explain. Peanuts and salt. That's it. A few producers will add oil and/or sugar to the formula, but your generic peanut butter equation is this:

Peanuts + Salt = Peanut Butter

This should be no surprise to anyone. Neither should the fact that the finished product of peanut butter is STICKY. This is very important and happens to be the focal point of the discussion. "Peanut butter? Sticky? No duh you idiot" Well let me throw some light on my hypothetical gorilla who is sitting in the middle of your confused, dark hypothetical room.

If peanuts + salt = peanut butter, and peanut butter = sticky, then by the theory of association, we can combine these two equations into one:

peanuts + salt = sticky



Now I'm guessing everyone reading this has at one point or another tried chewing on a handful of salted peanuts. Salted peanuts just happen to have ALL TWO ingredients in peanut butter. And since peanut butter is just smashed up peanuts mixed with salt, then by chewing on salted peanuts, you should eventually arrive at peanut butter. So do the chewed up salted peanuts ever end up turning into a sticky mess in your mouth? NO. It doesn't matter how long you continue to chew the 2 *known* ingredients found in peanut butter, a chewed up handful of salted peanuts will NEVER become sticky.

What does this mean? Basically, it means that the big peanut butter producers are ADDING ANOTHER HIDDEN INGREDIENT TO OUR PEANUT BUTTER, TO MAKE IT STICKY. This is the only logical conclusion from the empirical evidence on the matter.

But why would PB producers want to sneak some unknown sticky ingredient into one of the most highly consumed semi-condiments in our society? How does the FDA not know about this, or does the FDA know about this and why would they be a part of this massive cover-up? I can only assume that with all of the brilliant, inspired minds working at the FDA that they are aware of the hidden sticky ingredient in our PB. Which means there is a government-backed conspiracy going on here.

I don't have all the answers on the conspiracy. In fact, I really only have questions at this point. But we need to think about the WHY and discuss it as a society. All I can do as an amateur blogomaniac is try to point people's attention to it in hopes that we can find an appropriate forum to discuss and discover the real answers behind these types of conspiracies.

My only theory so far, is this: I have a feeling that the hidden sticky ingredient is somehow related to a terrorist plot to overthrow our society. The terrorist factions are always trying to hit us where it hurts most, and what better way to destroy a society than by trying to sabotage their semi-condiments, one at a time...
I'm sure that once the TSA gets wind of my theory, we'll be banned from carrying peanut butter onto airplanes, at least in more than a 2-oz container. Because honestly, until we know what the secret sticky ingredient is, we need to be much more careful with how we handle our peanut butter.

WOLFMOTHER !!!

The show is tonight! Here in little old Tempe, AZ. I haven't been this excited for a concert since... never! This could be the show that brings the world together. Much like that performance of

"We Are the World"

starring everyone from Michael Jackson, to Stevie Wonder, Lionel Richie, and even the lowly, white Kenny Rogers snuck in for a piece of that action.


"People unite for the Wolfies have returned from the canyons of L.A. with a fusion of freaked out jamming, delicate melodies and gallant rock riffage that shall be known collectively as 'Wolfmother'."

That sentence is merely a brief glimpse into the world of WOLFMOTHER. Imagine that verbiage as just the tip of the iceberg... amazingly enough, the music is even cooler than the Aussie band's verbiage. I've been listening to the self-titled album for about 3 months now, and have not heard this type of "gallant rock riffage" since Zeppelin IV. I hate to over-hype things, but this album is going to be an iconic rock album for generations to come. And I daresay my children's children will be playing this one at their high school prom.

This blog is not meant as a musical review page, but Wolfmother deserves some hard-earned attention from me. They've been making such sweet music that the least I can do to repay them is to write a quick page about them.

WOLFMOTHER

(you can listen to the entire album on the website above - I highly recommend doing so RIGHT NOW. If you don't, you'll be cursed by either the hammer of Thor or the beard of Zeus)


-Such a glorious name-

I first heard of Wolfmother on Conan O'Brien, and was downloading the album as soon as they reached the chorus of "Mother", their most popular single so far. "Mother" has received a little airplay here in the Phx metro, and it warms my soul to hear it. Mostly because I know it's warming others' souls who are hearing it. Conan, randomly throughout the show, kept saying "Wolfmother" slowly and loudly in a deep, dark rock voice, just because he loved the sound of the name. In fact, I would nominate Wolfmother as having quite possibly the baddest band name in the history of the world. If anyone can think of one that compares, please post a comment.

I hereby nominate Wolfmother as the greatest, baddest band name in the world.


-Who do they think they are?-

So Jack Black has his little Tenacious D band, right?



And they make all these claims that they are the greatest band in the world or have written the greatest song in the world, or some crap like that. Well, what they are trying to do is a very noble thing - they are trying to infuse a lot of different classic rock sounds together into a beautiful, modern combination of these sounds. Much like the Double Decker Taco brought together the two worlds of tacos and burritos into a delightful mix. Tenacious D hasn't even come close to reaching Double Decker Taco status.



But Wolfmother has. That may seem like an absolutely outrageous claim to some of you, but these guys have combined so many classic sounds into such an amazing sound that they have already reached Double Decker Supreme status. Imagine Zeppelin IV raised to the power of Pink Floyd's The Dark Side of the Moon. Yep, it's that good.

Wolfmother IS the band that Tenacious D continues to talk about becoming.


-The Wolfmother Effect-

Since tonight is the show, I've listened to the album about 20x in the last day or so. Pretty standard protocol, right? Well never in my pre-concert preparation experiences before have I felt the influence of the music begin to take over my life like I have in the last 24 hours. Not only my life, but the life of everything around me has been elevated due to the increased Wolfmother effect in my life.

Piece of evidence #1 - The Phx Suns / NJ Nets game last night. Every good player played well above average in the game, on both sides of the ball. The final score ended up 161-157 for Phx. This was the 4th highest scoring game in the history of the universe. Even Steve Nash played better than usual in one of the most amazing games in history last night. Most thought that as the two-time-reigning MVP that his level of play couldn't get much better. Wrong. He put on one of the most dazzling performances EVER (and all this without his long hair...). I only need one word to explain the amazing performances - Wolfmother.

Piece of evidence #2 - I went fake-baking for the first time ever today. (I can hear the gasps...). To those of you who know me, you also know how much I have detested fake-baking over the entire course of my life. Ever since my first word was "radiation", I've been on an anti-fake-baking tear. So for me to climb into that little microwave pod like last night's dinner and flip the switch to 'on' for 8 minutes ... let's just say it was monumental. Not that I need too much help... living in AZ gives me plenty of time to keep up a good tan, and I usually do fairly well in that deparment. Honestly I have no idea why I did it. I just had this crazy, illogical, unexplainable desire jump into my brain this morning and I couldn't stop it from taking over my actions. The more I kept listening to Wolfmother, the stronger the desire became. And there is no other explanation than the power of Wolfmother.

Each song on the album has the same effect as drinking 4 Red Bulls.

You will not regret letting Wolfmother into your life. I'd recommend letting them take your life over completely.

Hasseling the Hoff - artist or engineer?

If you grow up in Germany, you basically have 2 choices of what music you want to listen to: a) Rammstein, or b) David Hasselhoff. So why the discussion on German music options? Because Hasselhoff's international celebrity status has grown to proportions that no one, not even those of us who grew up watching Knight Rider and thought we knew what his potential was, would have guessed. This requires some discussion.



After Germany was desecrated during WWII, there were not many who envisioned the once-proud nation returning to its status as a world leader. And while Germany has never been thought of as much of a fashion center, an artistically inspired nation or a producer of great international entertainment, it DOES have strengths.

-Engineering a nation of nerds-

While I hate to generalize, Germany is basically only famous for its engineering. Some might argue that its cars would be another famous, German icon. But let's be honest, the cars are a product of the engineering. Germany is so proud of its world-renowned engineering, that its youth have a hard time growing up with a chance at being anything but engineers. Could you imagine being a German parent and hearing your child proclaim that she wants to be a German-cuisine chef when she grows up? That's about like trying to find a career in Oklahoma as a deep-sea fisherman. Parents in Germany probably disown their children if they want to be anything other than engineers.

In a nation so steeped in the hard science of engineering, why would David Hasselhoff's music, of all things, be popular? Is it due to the engineering feat that was Kit, his talking car from Knight Rider? Were Germans so in love with this automotive marvel that was so far ahead of its time, that they just latched onto its owner?

The only conclusion I can draw on Hasselhoff's musical popularity in Germany is that he is a musical engineer, not a musical artist. For those of you in America who have heard any of his music, you have probably cringed at the thought of Hasselhoff as an artist. I know this idea was hard for me to swallow. For some reason, I feel much better knowing that he is not an artist, but a musical engineer.


-Do Americans love David Hasselhoff ?-

Not sure how many of you have seen Sponge Bob's full length movie, but Hasselhoff makes quite an appearance in the show. In fact, Sponge Bob and Patrick use Hasselhoff as a sort of speedboat to go from the shore out deep into the ocean. There is even a fight between the movie's bad guy (sorry, don't remember his name...) and Sponge Bob, while they are riding on the Hasselhoff speedboat. All this means is that the lucky viewer gets to see Hasselhoff's leg hair up close and personal. Total, it was about 15 minutes that we got to see Sponge Bob and the bad guy battling it out on the deck of the SS Hasselhoff.

The reason I bring up the Sponge Bob movie appearance is that I think Germans should question their loyalty to Hasselhoff over it. I don't care what you think about his music, this act alone should force you to question your loyalty. As much as I like Led Zeppelin, if Robert Plant ever tried to pull of a stunt like this in a movie I would, no doubt, question my loyalty to his music. The future actions of an entertainer definitely can influence how we feel about their past material (e.g., look at Pee Wee Herman... it wasn't until he started disrobing, etc in public that we began to say bad things about his tv show and movies... ok that may be a little extreme for an example, but you get the point).

I am wondering if there is a Germany-Hasselhoff parallel in the United States. Someone who got popular internationally for a tv show or maybe a movie, but then became a superstar in the US for his/her music (and that same music happens to be un-popular in his/her home country).


-Does he even know how to use that thing?-

After all this discussion of Hasselhoff, I'm left to question why he is still popular at all. Since he left the cast of Baywatch, the biggest thing he has done in the US was his appearance in Sponge Bob's full feature. Internationally, the biggest thing he has done was to issue 2005's CD entitled

Night Rocker

This CD is amazing. At least the cover. Looks like he is standing on Kit's hood, in the same outfit he wore when he actually was popular in the US back in 1986. His hair is feathered perfectly. And look at that stance...knees bent at just the right obtuse angles to drive those German engineer girls mad. The guitar looks about as unnatural in his hands as a t-shirt would look under that leather vest.


-Germans love David Hasselhoff-

Shouldn't this cd cover have been his downfall? I don't think I have even heard any of the songs, but the cover is enough for me. Doesn't matter how good the music is. However, from the cover, I can only imagine...

Apparently, though, Hasselhoff is as popular as ever in Germany. Dirk Nowitski of the Dallas Mavericks was caught during the NBA playoffs this year listening to "Night Rocker" in the locker room to get pumped up before the game. Which happened to be an amazing coincidence, because not 5 minutes later, the camera found Hasselhoff sitting in an aisle seat in the stands. They interviewed Hasselhoff in the stands, and it was refreshing to see that his look hasn't changed at all since the cd cover.

So why do Germans love Hasselhoff? There are some things that those of us with refined musical taste will just never understand. I would vote for the fact that he has engineered his way into their hearts. Somehow. We need to commission someone to research the Science of Hasselhoff to find some answers. I, for one, am never going to understand it.

Moby Shut-yo'-mouth

I've had one question on my mind for quite a while, that I can't seem to figure out. A good friend of mine has the last name of Melville. When most people hear the name Melville, they automatically think of the classic Moby Dick, written by Herman Melville. I first heard of the name Melville when learning about the book, and I would assume that is most people's experience.

So here's my question... What would my friend have to do to get out of the shadow of Moby Dick? Can he EVER do anything grandiose enough to be famous for his own efforts, so that when people hear the name Melville, they don't think Moby Dick instinctively?


As I have pondered this topic often over the years, I have wondered what it would be like to live in this shadow. Seems like everyone you meet, when they hear your last name, would ask "So... you related to Herman?" or, as I asked my friend when I first met him, "You related to Moby Dick?" His apt response was "The whale?"

What sort of thing would he have to do in his life to move out from Moby's shadow and start casting his own historic shadows that are at least as big as Moby's?

Senator? President? Serial Killer? Wheaties box? A character on Celebrity Jeopardy? The next Brandon on the next 90210? 756 home runs? Melville, by Calvin Klein...?

The LOL files

Is it just me, or has LOL usage come to the point of no return? It almost seems now that when someone responds to an email or text message with just "LOL" as the response, that they are mocking the sender.

Used to be that an LOL-only response made you feel good inside, like you had actually made the other person laugh out loud. But things have changed.

(One quick note on the history of LOL - apparently it was invented to ease the burden of typing a longer response over the internet. How painful is it really to type all 15 letters in "laughing out loud"?? I mean, I type around 4th grader speed, and it only takes me about 20 seconds to type the whole phrase out. You would have thought that in the days of the quill pen and ink-dipping that scribes would have invented LOL. Strange, I know.)

In fact, I know of two instances in the past month where I received a semi-unwanted text message that was meant to be funny. In both cases, I didn't find either of them funny or deserving of any mental effort on my part before sending a response to indicate that I didn't think it was as funny as the sender obviously did... my response in both cases was solely "LOL".

And what I meant by "LOL" was "Nice try. You may have thought that was funny, but my highly advanced sense of humor does not agree. Please don't waste my cyber-space with un-funny rubbish like that again. Make sure it's funny next time."

Is anyone out there still using LOL to say that they actually laughed out loud?

"Good Times" or The Worst of Times?

There are many things in our modern society that would shock the late Charles Dickens, and I would argue that the use, or more accurately, the over-use, of the term "good times" would be the most shocking.

"Good times" is yet another item that has come onto the current scene due to an SNL skit.

However, due to over-saturation in our current spoken vocabulary, "Good times" has passed its prime. In fact, it has been past its prime for at least a year now, maybe more. ("Good times" [or GT] is not to be confused with "a good time" which is still a socially acceptable term.)

"Good times" is used as a filler term, which finds much use mostly among 20-somethings, most likely in social situations, who have a burning desire to say something, say anything, but HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OF SUBSTANCE TO SAY. It's this insecurity that has fueled GT to platinum status. And it's an easy laugh, because hey, who doesn't like SNL? (the degradation of SNL is another topic entirely...)

Well, I have a message for these people: you would be better off saying nothing, than saying "good times". Please, for the love of all that is holy, STOP SAYING "GOOD TIMES". Every time I hear GT, I cringe. No, I used to cringe. Now, I either openly mock or I decide right on the spot that I want nothing to do with that person.

Brief story of relevance. A close friend of mine has a nasty little habit of ending each of his emails with "Good times." I'm not sure why he would put that same old not-so-funny-anymore phrase at the end of each email, but to each his own. Well, prior to about a year ago, it didn't really bother me. But you can only take so many "good times". (In fact, I think that we are each built with a "good times" counter - once the counter reaches oh, ten thousand times hearing "good times", we then go into either fight or flight mode. It's a scientific fact.).

So, a few months ago, I finally e-called him out (decided this one was worth the fight). In response to his not-so-catchy closing phrase, I responded "Great taste." That was all I wrote, then sent. If you remember, there was an old McDonald's commercial that ended with "Good times, great taste." I just needed a way to bring attention to the fact that he had been over-using GT for years and no one found it even close to amusing anymore. Long story short, he slowed in his usage of GT for a few months, but now is back to it with almost the same frequency as before.

Conclusion: Once a good timer, always a good timer.
Lesson learned: Can't teach an old good timer new closing phrases.

As I've been on my anti-"Good times" kick for what seems like forever now, people around me are starting to feel the same about GT. In fact, my brother and I were at a social gathering 2 months ago. We were talking with a couple of new girls, trying to get a taste of what they were like. As often happens in these scenes, during the changing of the topic, there can be a brief pause where no one says anything. During each one of these pauses, the cuter of the two girls blurted out "Good times." (Yes, blurted. It sounded like she had diarrhea of the mouth.) She even did a double take on at least three, that I recall. (That's when the first GT is followed quickly by a second, slower GT. Usually the second GT is in a little bit deeper voice than the first.) The double take GT almost makes it sound like the person saying it has thought about the conversation, and they are absolutely convinced that it has, indeed, been "good times." Personally once I heard the girl say GT the second time I ruled her out. There was no way I could handle being with her for more than 5 minutes at a time. In the first 2 minutes of conversation, she had said GT at least 5 times. So upon realizing that she was a die-hard good timer, I basically ignored both her and her friend at the party that night, wanting nothing to do with either of them. Call me shallow if you will, but I felt I owed it to them and myself. It was only fair to both of us to end what would have been a rocky relationship right then and there.

My brother's GT radar, however, was not yet as sensitive as mine at that point in time. So they actually went on a couple of dates, both times at her invitation. Each time, before he left, he indicated to me, "I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle the 'good times' tonight. Why does she just not say 'good times'?" Well, after 2 dates, he just couldn't handle it any more. "Good times" ruined what could have been a great relationship.

But the question remains, Why does she just not say 'good times'? Why does anyone continue to use "good times"? GT could become one of the biggest relationship-wreckers in our society. I saw a new stat the other day that indicated that there are now more single adults in America than married adults. Would it be too far of a stretch to connect this stat to the rampant, unprotected use of "good times"?

I think not!

Crumbling the Regime of the Goatee

Goatee = the Next Mullet?

(pronounced, "moo-LAY", French connotation, meaning "totally sweet hairdo worn today only by crazed, fashion-senseless rednecks")

In July 2006, I celebrated the 1-year anniversary of the birth of my Goatee-Mullet Theory. Some in my inner circle have heard me go on about goatees ... goatees this, and goatees that. Basically, it's a theory of how lame and also-ran the goatee has become today. It must have been ten years ago that I recall actually seeing my first goatee in person. Before that, it was just mustaches and beards. I believe it was with the advent of the nose-hair trimmer and other, small facial hair trimmers that the goatee found its roots. However, no matter how it found its roots, the goatee has been in full effect and riding a wave of popularity ever since. Seems like it's been a requirement for NBA players to wear one, if possible. There are some obvious exceptions to the rule, like Yao Ming (can't grow facial hair), Steve Nash (white) and Pat Burke (completely hairless individual). Even 1/3 of the Women's NBA currently sports a goatee.

"Goatees will never be like mullets. This guy is crazy!" Oh yeah? Well back in 1980, mullets were never going to be mullets either. Granted, the world was a different place when mullets were king. Guns 'N Roses and Def Leppard denim jackets were cool, Slim Jim was popular, and every kid in the neighborhood owned a BMX bike. Some may say that these things are still popular in some pockets of the country... well that's because these pockets haven't changed since 1980. In fact, in these pockets of the country you will still find mullets, out and about like they never lost their style. Sometimes even now, someone from one of these pockets will accidentally wander out into the rest of the country to be seen by the rest of us. In fact, I was at dinner just last weekend and sitting less than 5 feet away was a flaming mullet. You know, the whole "business up-front, party in the back" haircut/lifestyle. And that's cool, if that's your thing.

(I might add here that no haircut in history has EVER even come close to reflecting the lifestyle of its owner quite like the mullet... nope, not the buzz-cut, bowl-cut, bob 'n weave, or even jerrycurls. You just can't say "man, that guy lives life exactly like his haircut!" unless it's a mullet.)

So why is the goatee going to become the next mullet? Well, if we had to choose 1 thing from society today that had the potential to become the next mullet, what would be at the top of that list? What makes a mullet, a mullet?


Goatees v. Ascots, round 1

Why has mullet spotting ("hunting") become so popular these days? Even 5 years ago, there were myriad of websites whose whole premise was to publish and mock a single hairstyle. But why, I ask? Is it due to the rarity of actual mullets in our modern society? Is it really like seeing a live tiger on the subway (the cliche "wild animal goes to the city" storyline)? Is it the mystique of seeing something that was thought to be extinct over 10 years ago (the same as the day when I was at dinner at a chic little Italian restaurant on the south end of Manhattan and two guys came in together wearing ascots... it was like opening up the drapes on a sunny Saturday morning and seeing a Pterodactyl sitting in the front tree. I was SURE that the ascot was extinct...)

My firm belief is that the mullet has become so rare, that seeing one in person just shocks most of us. Not in a necessarily positive way, although it does make the day a little brighter when you tell your friends about it later. If we think about it, I think we will all agree that the mullet carries a very powerful mystique in our society today. Not sure why...


Goatees v. Ascots, round 2

Next, we need to discuss the Fashion Life Cycle. The mullet came onto the scene pretty quickly. It left pretty quickly, too. That's the trick with fashion... you need to get on the right trains. Some trains will be running for quite a long time, but stay away from those fashion feux paux trains. You may someday be embarrassed to have ridden on the wrong trains. The mullet train was one that, as it was leaving New York City, people thought it was going on a long journey to L.A., and that's why they got on. They had no idea it was going to stop in Hackensack, NJ, to never get back on the tracks again...

No one wants to show their children pictures of when they had a mullet. "Daddy, I thought you were better than that." - my heart would crumble if my little girl ever said that to me (if I had a little girl). And I'm predicting it will be the same scenario for the goatee. In fact, we have seen in the past few months some signs that the goatee is becoming less socially acceptable. From an article in GQ about how the goatee is no longer the fashion-conscious facial hair of choice, to ET doing a short report on the declining popularity of the goatee.

Maybe even more telling is the fact that more rednecks are beginning to sport the goatee. Normally, once the rednecks begin to try out a style, it's past the first phase of the fashion life cycle, known as "A-List Popularity". The second phase is when the fashion goes to the masses, or "Mass Popularity". This is when the A-list celeb's will begin to jump off the train. The third phase is "Redneck Popularity". It is at this stage when a fashion will become mainstream for rednecks; some of the masses will begin to change their style because they don't want to appear to be a redneck.

In terms of the Mullet Life Cycle, the Goatee, for the past year 7-8 years has been in the Mass Popularity phase. However, we are nearing full entrance into the Redneck Popularity phase. I have seen more goatees per redneck capita in the past 2 months than ever. It's like they finally got the memo that was sent 10 years ago. And as we saw with the mullet, once the goatee enters phase 3, it will then begin to slowly downgrade in popularity with the masses. If the masses sour on the goatee like they did with the mullet, then we could be looking at a Goatee Armageddon.


Just remember who said it first: the goatee will be the next mullet. I did.

the karma of midgets

so... midgets, huh? [if you are a midget, or small person, reading this, please note that it is written entirely for humorous purposes and with no malintent toward anyone.]

the item that spurned me to write about midgets this week was an advertisement in the Phoenix New Times newspaper. they were searching for midgets to help in future promotions. midgets for promotions? why do you need midgets to promote a newspaper? is there something about a midget that says "newspaper" better than a non-midget? (by the way, what is the correct word to describe someone who is not a midget? you really can't say "a regular person".. because midgets are "regular" people too.. providing they eat enough fiber. there's just not a good, socially acceptable way to say "a non-midget" with just one word.. so midgets are 1-up in the "describe yourself with one word" game).


---the rise of midgets---

really though, let's think about this. did anyone even know that midgets existed before Austin Powers? that was about the time that the proverbial midget train got rolling down the track to an unprecedented outbreak in our society. "outbreak" might be the wrong word...

now we have famous midgets all over. remember those stories about Ben Roethlisberger during the 2004-2005 NFL season, about how the Friday night before his first start for the Steelers, he just happened to be in a Pittsburg bar that was having Midget Night w/ some little guys dancing and pouring drinks on the bar. well it turned out that Ben was superstitious, so after he won that first week, he had to go back to the same bar every Friday after that for the streak to continue. did Ben know something about midgets that we, as a society, are beginning to realize? is there a special power that comes with midgets? do midgets improve our karma? apparently Ben thought so. he felt that the midgets improved his playing ability enough that he HAD to return to that bar every Friday night for months on end, to get his dose of midget.

so why the sudden growth in midget popularity? is it because there actually ARE more midgets now than ever before? i don't recall seeing any midgets in any black and white films, is that because there were no midgets at that time? and you won't find any midgets in any 80's movies either. do we have documented evidence of midgets before 1992?

even Geico is now using Mini Me (probably the most famous of all midgets) in their commercials... does he do anything special? no. does he have any acting talent? no. is he out-of-the-ordinary in any way, other than his height? no. is he a midget? yes. no further questions, your honor.

so again, why are they so popular right now? my best guess is that they make us laugh. based on the media that contains midgets, it's all based on their powerful comedic effect.

why do short people make us laugh though? and are we laughing with them, or at them? seems like we're laughing AT them. honestly, i don't see too many midgets laughing at themselves. it makes me laugh that our society is so sensitive to being politically correct in so many areas, but when it comes to midgets, we can pretty much exploit them as much as we want for a few cheap laughs. we probably need some sort of Coalition for the Little People or a Midget Union to stand up for their rights, to ensure that we non-midgets are treating them fairly. i would put in a vote for the establishment of a Midget Union. no questions asked.


---too many midgets?---

are midgets taking away jobs from other, potentially funnier non-midgets? like Carrot Top. where has he been for the past 7 years? i would almost argue that the midgets ran him out of the biz. just when he was starting to see some popularity on the national level, "WATCH OUT CARROT TOP, HERE COMES THE MIDGET TRAIN!!!" CT's comedy career timing couldn't have been worse. he just needed to be about 5 years earlier and there would have been no stopping him. we'll chalk him up as another fatality caused by the snowballing effect of midget power. personally, i believe there is room for everyone in our society - midgets, non-midgets, whatever. come one, come all. but i could also understand why someone like Carrot Top would be angry with them for drowning his career in their wake. i wouldn't be surprised to see some animosity toward the midgets in Hollywood. but the answer to the too many midgets? question is NO. in our capitalist society, Hollywood is merely supplying what we are demanding. and apparently we are demanding more midgets. if we didn't want more midgets, then we wouldn't see ads like the one in the Phoenix New Times, looking for any and all midgets, funny or not, just to help sell some newspapers.


---i got a fever... and the only cure, more midget---

hopefully, we as a society are treating the midgets well. they deserve our best. it would be a real loss if they were to go the way of the buffalo. unexplainable though it may be, midgets really ARE funny. there's no two ways about it. i don't know why they make me laugh, they just do. sort of like Canadians. (speaking of Canadians, those guys have really stormed the celebrity comedy scene too. laughs per capita, i would have to put midgets at #1, with Canadians right behind at #2).

i don't want my children to have to learn about midgets by going to a museum, or by renting some out-dated comedy movie. so let's take care of them. let's call them "little people" if they don't like "midgets". let's accomodate them any and every way possible. let's allow them to drive cars, even if they can't see over the windshield. let's help them to form a union. and if they want their own state, give it to them. just keep THEM happy so they can continue to keep US happy.

ankle socks and g-strings

if it was possible to buy stock in a certain style of clothing, i would go back in time about 2 years and buy as much stock as i could possibly afford in ankle socks. by ankle socks, i don't mean the socks that stop at the top of the ankle, i mean those socks that don't even peek out the top of your low-top tenny runners. i seem to have heard a different name for them somewhere..

"peds" comes to mind, but that is too close to "pedophiles" and "pedorasts", so i shy away from it. let's face it, i don't want my blog to be at the top of the google search results next time Michael Jackson gets near a computer. back to the topic..

these socks are like the bikinis of the foot world. better yet, they are the g-strings, minus the fact that they probably don't get stuck in any cracks that they are covering. (could you imagine socks that get caught in between each set of your toes? why are g-strings so popular anyway? seems like if they get caught in your rear-end, like they appear to do, they would be more of an uncomfy hassle than they are worth.. are g-strings sold with a crowbar?) back to the topic..

maybe they are called "heel socks", as they barely seem to cover the heel. since the more traditional "ankle socks" actually covered the ankle, "heel socks" seems like an appropriate term for these immodest fluffy little cotton bad boys. heel socks is what i'm calling them from now on.. join me in this revolution if you'd like.

seems like every dude i know is wearing them now. i should have bought stock in them about 2 years ago, when my youngest brother got a pair. ONE PAIR. i will never forget the day he showed up wearing them, and i thought he had joined the Miami Vice gang, because he looked like Don Johnson walking around with no socks, just shoes. i commented to him about how gross it was to wear shoes without socks. he just laughed and kicked his shoe off, to reveal this skimpy little item, that appeared to be an old sock which he had cut off with a pair of scissors, just above the heel. i didn't believe that he had paid for the pair. until a couple weeks later he was wearing them everywhere. was i missing out on something?

fast forward to august 2005. my oldest brother showed up at a golf tournament wearing them. this is when i knew heel socks were mainstream. that's because this brother had always been a lagard when it came to technology/fashion/trends. not due to lack of funds.. he just was decidedly slow in catching on. it wasn't until early 2006 that he finally upgraded from his dial-up connection. and it wasn't until late 2005 that he finally got his first cell phone. that should be enough to pinpoint his location on the "adopting new trends" scale. and prior to aug 05, he was wearing knee-high socks, which were pushed down to mid-calf length (this was the style when he was growing up in the 80's). but from that point forward, he wears heel socks everywhere. in fact, i haven't seen him without them on in about 10 months now. he probably sleeps and showers in them.

one more comparison of heel socks to women's underwear->

fast forward to march 2006. my cousin moved into my apartment to crash for a month. he has always been on the cutting edge of new trends. he had a myspace account right after it opened to the public - that should be enough to paint his picture on the trend scale. while he lived with me, i noticed he wore the same heel socks as my brothers, with one difference. his were BLACK. you know that old saying "if a woman wears colored underwear, it's because she wants someone to see it".. that was what first jumped into my mind when i saw his black heel socks.. "he wants someone to see those socks, he wants some girl to walk up to him and rip his shoes off, revealing what's underneath" anyway.. the socks have that same sort of "wear them underneath and make people guess at what color they might be" appeal that women's underwear has to men. and that makes them pretty cool.

and now everyone is wearing them. at least i hope. i just see most guys wearing only shoes these days, which i assume means that they are wearing heel socks underneath. not all these guys can be part of the Miami Vice gang, can they? anyway, it seems like the heel socks stock has gone through the roof.

so what's the future of heel socks.. let me use my father to predict. my father is known for his anti-trend notions. he still has an old pair of sweat pants which he wears that just barely cover the bottom edge of his knees, when he wears them at normal height (about 2" ABOVE the belly button). and they are those old tight, elastic-ankled sweats (or elastic-calved for him..) yeah, he's no bastion of fashion. believe me on this one, my dad is not in david beckham's cell phone. anyhow, since my dad doesn't wear heel socks yet, they JUST MIGHT still have some cool time left..

so my word of advice is to hold your heel sock stock as long as you can, but be ready to sell it at the first sign of my dad jumping on that train. because once my dad gets a pair, the market for heel socks will be headed for its Black Tuesday.

the beginning, the truth and other stuff

i just need a place to post my view of STUFF. this is also known as the "truth", as i see it. each post will be my personal reaction to something that i may throw into the category of STUFF. although it will probably never actually be a reaction to STUFFed animals, it may include a reaction to STUFFed crust pizza or maybe even Stove Top STUFFing. see, i don't like some stuff... so i probably won't comment on those items. unless i want to. and i just might... so don't try to predict the next stuff, cause you might make a fool of yourself. but i do like some other stuff.