Conspiracy + Peanut Butter = Terrorist Plot

As I was sitting around doing nothing the other day (or what some people call "working"), I was just staring at a jar of peanut butter. (For a minute, I had the thought run through my head "hey, isn't Bill Lumberg supposed to be walking by and harrassing me about something right about now?" ... but then I remembered that I'm the boss. sorry for the cheap Office Space ref..) Anyway, if you've never tried just sitting and staring at a jar of peanut butter, I'd highly recommend it - you'll get epiphany after epiphany. I've singled out one of these epiphanies to write about in today's blog. Here we go. Prepare to have your world shaken at its foundation.

So peanut butter is a very simple product. Let me explain. Peanuts and salt. That's it. A few producers will add oil and/or sugar to the formula, but your generic peanut butter equation is this:

Peanuts + Salt = Peanut Butter

This should be no surprise to anyone. Neither should the fact that the finished product of peanut butter is STICKY. This is very important and happens to be the focal point of the discussion. "Peanut butter? Sticky? No duh you idiot" Well let me throw some light on my hypothetical gorilla who is sitting in the middle of your confused, dark hypothetical room.

If peanuts + salt = peanut butter, and peanut butter = sticky, then by the theory of association, we can combine these two equations into one:

peanuts + salt = sticky



Now I'm guessing everyone reading this has at one point or another tried chewing on a handful of salted peanuts. Salted peanuts just happen to have ALL TWO ingredients in peanut butter. And since peanut butter is just smashed up peanuts mixed with salt, then by chewing on salted peanuts, you should eventually arrive at peanut butter. So do the chewed up salted peanuts ever end up turning into a sticky mess in your mouth? NO. It doesn't matter how long you continue to chew the 2 *known* ingredients found in peanut butter, a chewed up handful of salted peanuts will NEVER become sticky.

What does this mean? Basically, it means that the big peanut butter producers are ADDING ANOTHER HIDDEN INGREDIENT TO OUR PEANUT BUTTER, TO MAKE IT STICKY. This is the only logical conclusion from the empirical evidence on the matter.

But why would PB producers want to sneak some unknown sticky ingredient into one of the most highly consumed semi-condiments in our society? How does the FDA not know about this, or does the FDA know about this and why would they be a part of this massive cover-up? I can only assume that with all of the brilliant, inspired minds working at the FDA that they are aware of the hidden sticky ingredient in our PB. Which means there is a government-backed conspiracy going on here.

I don't have all the answers on the conspiracy. In fact, I really only have questions at this point. But we need to think about the WHY and discuss it as a society. All I can do as an amateur blogomaniac is try to point people's attention to it in hopes that we can find an appropriate forum to discuss and discover the real answers behind these types of conspiracies.

My only theory so far, is this: I have a feeling that the hidden sticky ingredient is somehow related to a terrorist plot to overthrow our society. The terrorist factions are always trying to hit us where it hurts most, and what better way to destroy a society than by trying to sabotage their semi-condiments, one at a time...
I'm sure that once the TSA gets wind of my theory, we'll be banned from carrying peanut butter onto airplanes, at least in more than a 2-oz container. Because honestly, until we know what the secret sticky ingredient is, we need to be much more careful with how we handle our peanut butter.