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Thursday, October 19, 2006

Crumbling the Regime of the Goatee

Goatee = the Next Mullet?

(pronounced, "moo-LAY", French connotation, meaning "totally sweet hairdo worn today only by crazed, fashion-senseless rednecks")

In July 2006, I celebrated the 1-year anniversary of the birth of my Goatee-Mullet Theory. Some in my inner circle have heard me go on about goatees ... goatees this, and goatees that. Basically, it's a theory of how lame and also-ran the goatee has become today. It must have been ten years ago that I recall actually seeing my first goatee in person. Before that, it was just mustaches and beards. I believe it was with the advent of the nose-hair trimmer and other, small facial hair trimmers that the goatee found its roots. However, no matter how it found its roots, the goatee has been in full effect and riding a wave of popularity ever since. Seems like it's been a requirement for NBA players to wear one, if possible. There are some obvious exceptions to the rule, like Yao Ming (can't grow facial hair), Steve Nash (white) and Pat Burke (completely hairless individual). Even 1/3 of the Women's NBA currently sports a goatee.

"Goatees will never be like mullets. This guy is crazy!" Oh yeah? Well back in 1980, mullets were never going to be mullets either. Granted, the world was a different place when mullets were king. Guns 'N Roses and Def Leppard denim jackets were cool, Slim Jim was popular, and every kid in the neighborhood owned a BMX bike. Some may say that these things are still popular in some pockets of the country... well that's because these pockets haven't changed since 1980. In fact, in these pockets of the country you will still find mullets, out and about like they never lost their style. Sometimes even now, someone from one of these pockets will accidentally wander out into the rest of the country to be seen by the rest of us. In fact, I was at dinner just last weekend and sitting less than 5 feet away was a flaming mullet. You know, the whole "business up-front, party in the back" haircut/lifestyle. And that's cool, if that's your thing.

(I might add here that no haircut in history has EVER even come close to reflecting the lifestyle of its owner quite like the mullet... nope, not the buzz-cut, bowl-cut, bob 'n weave, or even jerrycurls. You just can't say "man, that guy lives life exactly like his haircut!" unless it's a mullet.)

So why is the goatee going to become the next mullet? Well, if we had to choose 1 thing from society today that had the potential to become the next mullet, what would be at the top of that list? What makes a mullet, a mullet?


Goatees v. Ascots, round 1

Why has mullet spotting ("hunting") become so popular these days? Even 5 years ago, there were myriad of websites whose whole premise was to publish and mock a single hairstyle. But why, I ask? Is it due to the rarity of actual mullets in our modern society? Is it really like seeing a live tiger on the subway (the cliche "wild animal goes to the city" storyline)? Is it the mystique of seeing something that was thought to be extinct over 10 years ago (the same as the day when I was at dinner at a chic little Italian restaurant on the south end of Manhattan and two guys came in together wearing ascots... it was like opening up the drapes on a sunny Saturday morning and seeing a Pterodactyl sitting in the front tree. I was SURE that the ascot was extinct...)

My firm belief is that the mullet has become so rare, that seeing one in person just shocks most of us. Not in a necessarily positive way, although it does make the day a little brighter when you tell your friends about it later. If we think about it, I think we will all agree that the mullet carries a very powerful mystique in our society today. Not sure why...


Goatees v. Ascots, round 2

Next, we need to discuss the Fashion Life Cycle. The mullet came onto the scene pretty quickly. It left pretty quickly, too. That's the trick with fashion... you need to get on the right trains. Some trains will be running for quite a long time, but stay away from those fashion feux paux trains. You may someday be embarrassed to have ridden on the wrong trains. The mullet train was one that, as it was leaving New York City, people thought it was going on a long journey to L.A., and that's why they got on. They had no idea it was going to stop in Hackensack, NJ, to never get back on the tracks again...

No one wants to show their children pictures of when they had a mullet. "Daddy, I thought you were better than that." - my heart would crumble if my little girl ever said that to me (if I had a little girl). And I'm predicting it will be the same scenario for the goatee. In fact, we have seen in the past few months some signs that the goatee is becoming less socially acceptable. From an article in GQ about how the goatee is no longer the fashion-conscious facial hair of choice, to ET doing a short report on the declining popularity of the goatee.

Maybe even more telling is the fact that more rednecks are beginning to sport the goatee. Normally, once the rednecks begin to try out a style, it's past the first phase of the fashion life cycle, known as "A-List Popularity". The second phase is when the fashion goes to the masses, or "Mass Popularity". This is when the A-list celeb's will begin to jump off the train. The third phase is "Redneck Popularity". It is at this stage when a fashion will become mainstream for rednecks; some of the masses will begin to change their style because they don't want to appear to be a redneck.

In terms of the Mullet Life Cycle, the Goatee, for the past year 7-8 years has been in the Mass Popularity phase. However, we are nearing full entrance into the Redneck Popularity phase. I have seen more goatees per redneck capita in the past 2 months than ever. It's like they finally got the memo that was sent 10 years ago. And as we saw with the mullet, once the goatee enters phase 3, it will then begin to slowly downgrade in popularity with the masses. If the masses sour on the goatee like they did with the mullet, then we could be looking at a Goatee Armageddon.


Just remember who said it first: the goatee will be the next mullet. I did.

11 comments:

Marc said...

Perhaps you're not familiar with a fellow named George Albert Smith

smootheP said...

space - you mean that the goatee might rub bare the chin of the girl while making out? that's the only benefit I can see to the goat. And let's keep the site rated at least PG-13 or less please... thanks for understanding Space.

marc - G.A.S. definitely knew how to sport the goat. With a couple more months on that one, he'll be catching up w/ Shavo from SOAD... although I hate to put those two guys in the same paragraph. Luckily for George, his came well before we had reached phase 2 of the Goatee's Life Cycle.

Anonymous said...

Ahh, the mullet rant. I'm surprised it took until your third post. I'm only slightly more surprised that you haven't written about golf yet. Have you given up golf or something?

Anyway, Marc makes a good point. And I should point out that the G.A.S. mullet is pretty nice looking.

I'm not sure I completely agree with your goatee = mullet theory. The goatee has been around for thousands of years. The mullet is a 20th Century invention (I'm assuming all this, but let's face it, no one is going to do the research to refute it). I hope there's room on this blog for dissent.

I think that the mullet can be explained by socioeconomic factors. How many board rooms in the 1980s saw mullets? Probably none. How many board rooms in the last 10 years have seen goatees? I don't think it would be such a rare sight. I think the mullet has been embraced by only the non-college educated while interestingly the goatee has spanned the socioeconomic spectrum. Therefore in my opinion the goatee ≠ mullet

smootheP said...

Here's a better link to Shavo.

D A K - That's an interesting point about the socio-economic breadth of the goatee's influence. As much as I'd love to research the mullet to find some corporate executives wearing them, I think you have misunderstood the overbearing power of the mullet.

See, the man doesn't make the mullet; the mullet makes the man. And neither does the corporate exec make the mullet; the mullet makes the corporate exec... into a mullet-wearing grease monkey. Trust me, mullets have been tried by all types of corporate monkeys... but THE MULLET ALWAYS WINS. That's why there are no mullets in board rooms. Because the mullet won't allow it.

However, your point that the mullet and goatee are different is well taken. The point of the article is to find the current fashion trend that will become the mullet of our generation, or as close as something can become to the mullet. And of all the fads out there, I feel the goatee is way ahead of anything else in the running.

smootheP said...

Man, my Shavo links are sucking. This one should be clean.

SHAVO GOATEE

smootheP said...

My bro found this story from New York Magazine.
NY Mag on Facial Hair

The writers show their disdain for the goatee, indicating that it is "so nineties". (I also enjoyed their comment that the mustache, back in the seventies, "was an iconic gay symbol")

Finally, the comment I found most telling about the goatee's current fashion status is found in the last paragraph, "there is one personal-style choice that received a zero percent approval rating in our informal poll: the goatee. Typically worn by men who peaked during the era when those chin triangles were socially acceptable, it tells the world, “Ten years ago, you would have gone home with me.” "

Glad there are other people in the world who are on the same boat I am.

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Anonymous said...

Your points are all well taken, but there is one point of fact that you have to consider.

Outside of the 20th century, the mullet has not shared the same long-running resurgence as the goatee. Some historical texts reference slightly similar hairstyles, but nothing quite as obvious as references to the goatee. Goatees in all their forms have existed in most time periods, and can be seen referenced in both historical texts and cultural phenomena. Whether goatees really existed in Ancient Rome or Greece (as referenced in 300 or Gladiator) is a point of debate, but they certainly existed in the 16th-19th century, and were seen in the beatnik era as well as post 1990. While they may go away or may be shunned by current style magazines for not fitting in with the current retro-era fashion of the week, goatees should be recognized for their longevity.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Really funny. Every guy at work has one. They look ridiculous.