the karma of midgets

so... midgets, huh? [if you are a midget, or small person, reading this, please note that it is written entirely for humorous purposes and with no malintent toward anyone.]

the item that spurned me to write about midgets this week was an advertisement in the Phoenix New Times newspaper. they were searching for midgets to help in future promotions. midgets for promotions? why do you need midgets to promote a newspaper? is there something about a midget that says "newspaper" better than a non-midget? (by the way, what is the correct word to describe someone who is not a midget? you really can't say "a regular person".. because midgets are "regular" people too.. providing they eat enough fiber. there's just not a good, socially acceptable way to say "a non-midget" with just one word.. so midgets are 1-up in the "describe yourself with one word" game).


---the rise of midgets---

really though, let's think about this. did anyone even know that midgets existed before Austin Powers? that was about the time that the proverbial midget train got rolling down the track to an unprecedented outbreak in our society. "outbreak" might be the wrong word...

now we have famous midgets all over. remember those stories about Ben Roethlisberger during the 2004-2005 NFL season, about how the Friday night before his first start for the Steelers, he just happened to be in a Pittsburg bar that was having Midget Night w/ some little guys dancing and pouring drinks on the bar. well it turned out that Ben was superstitious, so after he won that first week, he had to go back to the same bar every Friday after that for the streak to continue. did Ben know something about midgets that we, as a society, are beginning to realize? is there a special power that comes with midgets? do midgets improve our karma? apparently Ben thought so. he felt that the midgets improved his playing ability enough that he HAD to return to that bar every Friday night for months on end, to get his dose of midget.

so why the sudden growth in midget popularity? is it because there actually ARE more midgets now than ever before? i don't recall seeing any midgets in any black and white films, is that because there were no midgets at that time? and you won't find any midgets in any 80's movies either. do we have documented evidence of midgets before 1992?

even Geico is now using Mini Me (probably the most famous of all midgets) in their commercials... does he do anything special? no. does he have any acting talent? no. is he out-of-the-ordinary in any way, other than his height? no. is he a midget? yes. no further questions, your honor.

so again, why are they so popular right now? my best guess is that they make us laugh. based on the media that contains midgets, it's all based on their powerful comedic effect.

why do short people make us laugh though? and are we laughing with them, or at them? seems like we're laughing AT them. honestly, i don't see too many midgets laughing at themselves. it makes me laugh that our society is so sensitive to being politically correct in so many areas, but when it comes to midgets, we can pretty much exploit them as much as we want for a few cheap laughs. we probably need some sort of Coalition for the Little People or a Midget Union to stand up for their rights, to ensure that we non-midgets are treating them fairly. i would put in a vote for the establishment of a Midget Union. no questions asked.


---too many midgets?---

are midgets taking away jobs from other, potentially funnier non-midgets? like Carrot Top. where has he been for the past 7 years? i would almost argue that the midgets ran him out of the biz. just when he was starting to see some popularity on the national level, "WATCH OUT CARROT TOP, HERE COMES THE MIDGET TRAIN!!!" CT's comedy career timing couldn't have been worse. he just needed to be about 5 years earlier and there would have been no stopping him. we'll chalk him up as another fatality caused by the snowballing effect of midget power. personally, i believe there is room for everyone in our society - midgets, non-midgets, whatever. come one, come all. but i could also understand why someone like Carrot Top would be angry with them for drowning his career in their wake. i wouldn't be surprised to see some animosity toward the midgets in Hollywood. but the answer to the too many midgets? question is NO. in our capitalist society, Hollywood is merely supplying what we are demanding. and apparently we are demanding more midgets. if we didn't want more midgets, then we wouldn't see ads like the one in the Phoenix New Times, looking for any and all midgets, funny or not, just to help sell some newspapers.


---i got a fever... and the only cure, more midget---

hopefully, we as a society are treating the midgets well. they deserve our best. it would be a real loss if they were to go the way of the buffalo. unexplainable though it may be, midgets really ARE funny. there's no two ways about it. i don't know why they make me laugh, they just do. sort of like Canadians. (speaking of Canadians, those guys have really stormed the celebrity comedy scene too. laughs per capita, i would have to put midgets at #1, with Canadians right behind at #2).

i don't want my children to have to learn about midgets by going to a museum, or by renting some out-dated comedy movie. so let's take care of them. let's call them "little people" if they don't like "midgets". let's accomodate them any and every way possible. let's allow them to drive cars, even if they can't see over the windshield. let's help them to form a union. and if they want their own state, give it to them. just keep THEM happy so they can continue to keep US happy.