For those of you who don't know, the luffa is a coarse, sponge-like item that is used BY WOMEN to exfoliate excess skin. I think that's how Wikipedia defined it. There are both natural and artificial versions, and they have a coarse texture to them that helps to "polish the skin". When did it become OK for a man to "polish his skin" ? Men use rags and sandpaper to polish their skin. Not luffas.
Is the luffa just another part of the metro-sexual movement that is currently sweeping our country? There are certain aspects of the metro movement that are acceptable... for example, a man knowing that his belt and shoes should always match is a good thing. But wearing eyeliner is pushing the envelope as a man a little too much. And using a luffa is just plain crossing the line from man into woman. Crossing that line isn't necessarily a bad thing, if you are actually trying to become a woman. But if you are trying to remain a man... well you just need to get that luffa out of your shower and donate your eyeliner to a Mary Kay fundraiser.
As hard as I looked on the internet this morning, I was 100% unsuccessful at finding a luffa in any manly colors. Normally you can find them in the same color schemes as women's scented soaps (lavender, pink, light yellow, baby blue, white). There are no luffas in red, blue, black, brown, etc, the manlier of the colors. SINCE NO ONE IS CURRENTLY PRODUCING A LUFFA IN A MANLY COLOR, SHOULDN'T THAT BE A SIGN? You might even expect to find luffas in some more neutral colors... green, orange, etc. But they just don't exist.
- But guys don't use luffas... -
For the past few months, this topic has been mulling on my mind. My brother, cousin and a friend currently live in the same house I do. Since we have 4 guys and only 2 bathrooms, we share the bathrooms. One day a white luffa showed up in my shared shower. So I went out looking for the woman who was staying in my house, unbeknownst to me. I looked for about 2 minutes and didn't find any women in the house. So I confronted my brother about the luffa, expecting it to be his. I was right. He confessed. But he had no idea the luffa wasn't meant for a man. How could he not know this? Isn't it an inherent trait born to men's nature to recognize items that are meant for women only? It's like when you are walking through the supermarket and you happen to glance down the Women's Products aisle... you immediately have this knee-jerk reaction which is fueled by an impressive adrenaline rush. Your manly stomach just tells you what products to stay away from.
During the past few days, I've been visiting another brother, staying in his college apartment while his 2 roommates are home for the holidays. In the bathroom which is normally shared by his 2 roommates, I found not 1 but 2 luffas. They are light yellow and lavender in color. I repeat, they are light yellow and lavender in color. Do these guys not know what this means?
- Pedicure + Luffa = Man? -
Apparently the education of "How to Be a Man" in our country is suffering. This is made painfully obvious by the increase in nail painting by young men, the increased eyeliner wearing by young men, the increased number of massages & pedicures being purchased by young men, and the increased usage of luffas by young men.
If we want to protect our country and maintain the rights which the founding fathers intended, then let us protect the manliness of the country. This country's freedom wasn't won by pedicure-getting, cuticle-trimming, luffa-scrubbing "men". I can only assume that the growing use of the luffa has been influenced by the French. What other nationality of men would use such a feminine item for such a feminine purpose? If you take a good hard look at the directional shift in our society during the past few years, you can see us becoming more and more like a country of French women. Think about it and try to argue against that point. I dare you.
- So what can we do? -
I'm proposing a National Luffa Boycott by all American men. (Maybe we can even call it a "Man-cott"... normally I am firmly against the use of puns and plays-on-words, but this instance will go as an exception to my normal position). As the Boston Tea Party inspired a nation to stand up for its rights and freedoms, so will the Luffa Boycott inspire this generation of American men, who are slowly becoming French women, to 1) embrace their manhood, 2) throw out the luffa, and 3) defend its rights as a generation of American men.
American men, rise up with me against the luffa!
7 comments:
Hmmm.... So is it acceptable to be a woman and NOT have a loofah? ...Or would that mean I should quit shaving my legs and armpits because I've already become a little too Italian to be considered feminine?
1) If your definition of how to be a man precludes one from getting massages from hot chicks then I guess I don't want to be a man.
2) There are worse things than luffas. I mean... you brother could have been working with Bill O'Reilly's ole' "falafels".
ONLY sissstah - yes. it is absolutely acceptable for a woman to NOT have a luffa. therefore, the question that you may have become a little too Italian to still be feminine is completely irrelevant. however, if you petition me correctly (read: peanut butter bars) you may convince me to discuss your shaving habits and how they affect your feminine-ness in another post.
marc - massages from hot chicks are 100% acceptable... unless 2 criteria are met: 1) it is YOU, the proverbial man, who actually paid money from your own wallet for the massage, and 2) the massage is performed at a spa of any sort. Massage parlors are ok.
i hope you know i mean it as a compliment when i call you "the proverbial man"...
"SINCE NO ONE IS CURRENTLY PRODUCING A LUFFA IN A MANLY COLOR, SHOULDN'T THAT BE A SIGN?"
This is an interesting question. It reminds me of my clothing policy -- if it fits me, it's not women's clothing and I'm safe. I never have to worry about unwittingly purchasing women's shoes, for example.
Thanks for the post - I must say that you confirm your manhood by misspelling the word:
LOOFAH.
Well done!
I am a woman, I have a loofah, and I must admit that I share your opinion on men and loofahs. I once found out that a dude I knew had a loofah, and it kind of surprised me. I coaxed myself into thinking that his mom got it for him. But now that I think about it, He had nice toenails, his skin was really smooth, and he was quite moody...no wonder it never worked out for us...!
Anyways. Thanks for the laugh.
d a k - i bet i could find some women's clothes that fit you. please dare me to do it. you won't regret it.
cat - while i hate to be a stickler (read: i usually like to be a stickler), if we look at the Miriam- Webster entry for "luffa", we see that we are both right. Luffa or Loofah
although i'd have to say that i was MORE right, because the latin roots of both acceptable usages are spelt "luffa" ;) as a sign of my big-heartedness and constant desire for peace, i just added a link to your blog in my Links section. good comment and carry on!
The luffa comes from the Japanese, but its understandable to get that confused from the French since they are so prissy. I have to agree with you that there are some products that just scream women, and men stay away. Men need to be men, bite your nails or clip them, but long nails on guys is a no no.
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