The Neutering Power of the Luffa

Since when has it been acceptable for the luffa to be found in a man's shower? Am I missing something here? I mean, my mom always had a luffa in her shower, but I don't think my dad ever went anywhere near it.


For those of you who don't know, the luffa is a coarse, sponge-like item that is used BY WOMEN to exfoliate excess skin. I think that's how Wikipedia defined it. There are both natural and artificial versions, and they have a coarse texture to them that helps to "polish the skin". When did it become OK for a man to "polish his skin" ? Men use rags and sandpaper to polish their skin. Not luffas.

Is the luffa just another part of the metro-sexual movement that is currently sweeping our country? There are certain aspects of the metro movement that are acceptable... for example, a man knowing that his belt and shoes should always match is a good thing. But wearing eyeliner is pushing the envelope as a man a little too much. And using a luffa is just plain crossing the line from man into woman. Crossing that line isn't necessarily a bad thing, if you are actually trying to become a woman. But if you are trying to remain a man... well you just need to get that luffa out of your shower and donate your eyeliner to a Mary Kay fundraiser.

As hard as I looked on the internet this morning, I was 100% unsuccessful at finding a luffa in any manly colors. Normally you can find them in the same color schemes as women's scented soaps (lavender, pink, light yellow, baby blue, white). There are no luffas in red, blue, black, brown, etc, the manlier of the colors. SINCE NO ONE IS CURRENTLY PRODUCING A LUFFA IN A MANLY COLOR, SHOULDN'T THAT BE A SIGN? You might even expect to find luffas in some more neutral colors... green, orange, etc. But they just don't exist.



- But guys don't use luffas... -

For the past few months, this topic has been mulling on my mind. My brother, cousin and a friend currently live in the same house I do. Since we have 4 guys and only 2 bathrooms, we share the bathrooms. One day a white luffa showed up in my shared shower. So I went out looking for the woman who was staying in my house, unbeknownst to me. I looked for about 2 minutes and didn't find any women in the house. So I confronted my brother about the luffa, expecting it to be his. I was right. He confessed. But he had no idea the luffa wasn't meant for a man. How could he not know this? Isn't it an inherent trait born to men's nature to recognize items that are meant for women only? It's like when you are walking through the supermarket and you happen to glance down the Women's Products aisle... you immediately have this knee-jerk reaction which is fueled by an impressive adrenaline rush. Your manly stomach just tells you what products to stay away from.

During the past few days, I've been visiting another brother, staying in his college apartment while his 2 roommates are home for the holidays. In the bathroom which is normally shared by his 2 roommates, I found not 1 but 2 luffas. They are light yellow and lavender in color. I repeat, they are light yellow and lavender in color. Do these guys not know what this means?


- Pedicure + Luffa = Man? -

Apparently the education of "How to Be a Man" in our country is suffering. This is made painfully obvious by the increase in nail painting by young men, the increased eyeliner wearing by young men, the increased number of massages & pedicures being purchased by young men, and the increased usage of luffas by young men.

If we want to protect our country and maintain the rights which the founding fathers intended, then let us protect the manliness of the country. This country's freedom wasn't won by pedicure-getting, cuticle-trimming, luffa-scrubbing "men". I can only assume that the growing use of the luffa has been influenced by the French. What other nationality of men would use such a feminine item for such a feminine purpose? If you take a good hard look at the directional shift in our society during the past few years, you can see us becoming more and more like a country of French women. Think about it and try to argue against that point. I dare you.


- So what can we do? -

I'm proposing a National Luffa Boycott by all American men. (Maybe we can even call it a "Man-cott"... normally I am firmly against the use of puns and plays-on-words, but this instance will go as an exception to my normal position). As the Boston Tea Party inspired a nation to stand up for its rights and freedoms, so will the Luffa Boycott inspire this generation of American men, who are slowly becoming French women, to 1) embrace their manhood, 2) throw out the luffa, and 3) defend its rights as a generation of American men.

American men, rise up with me against the luffa!

Conspiracy + Peanut Butter = Terrorist Plot

As I was sitting around doing nothing the other day (or what some people call "working"), I was just staring at a jar of peanut butter. (For a minute, I had the thought run through my head "hey, isn't Bill Lumberg supposed to be walking by and harrassing me about something right about now?" ... but then I remembered that I'm the boss. sorry for the cheap Office Space ref..) Anyway, if you've never tried just sitting and staring at a jar of peanut butter, I'd highly recommend it - you'll get epiphany after epiphany. I've singled out one of these epiphanies to write about in today's blog. Here we go. Prepare to have your world shaken at its foundation.

So peanut butter is a very simple product. Let me explain. Peanuts and salt. That's it. A few producers will add oil and/or sugar to the formula, but your generic peanut butter equation is this:

Peanuts + Salt = Peanut Butter

This should be no surprise to anyone. Neither should the fact that the finished product of peanut butter is STICKY. This is very important and happens to be the focal point of the discussion. "Peanut butter? Sticky? No duh you idiot" Well let me throw some light on my hypothetical gorilla who is sitting in the middle of your confused, dark hypothetical room.

If peanuts + salt = peanut butter, and peanut butter = sticky, then by the theory of association, we can combine these two equations into one:

peanuts + salt = sticky



Now I'm guessing everyone reading this has at one point or another tried chewing on a handful of salted peanuts. Salted peanuts just happen to have ALL TWO ingredients in peanut butter. And since peanut butter is just smashed up peanuts mixed with salt, then by chewing on salted peanuts, you should eventually arrive at peanut butter. So do the chewed up salted peanuts ever end up turning into a sticky mess in your mouth? NO. It doesn't matter how long you continue to chew the 2 *known* ingredients found in peanut butter, a chewed up handful of salted peanuts will NEVER become sticky.

What does this mean? Basically, it means that the big peanut butter producers are ADDING ANOTHER HIDDEN INGREDIENT TO OUR PEANUT BUTTER, TO MAKE IT STICKY. This is the only logical conclusion from the empirical evidence on the matter.

But why would PB producers want to sneak some unknown sticky ingredient into one of the most highly consumed semi-condiments in our society? How does the FDA not know about this, or does the FDA know about this and why would they be a part of this massive cover-up? I can only assume that with all of the brilliant, inspired minds working at the FDA that they are aware of the hidden sticky ingredient in our PB. Which means there is a government-backed conspiracy going on here.

I don't have all the answers on the conspiracy. In fact, I really only have questions at this point. But we need to think about the WHY and discuss it as a society. All I can do as an amateur blogomaniac is try to point people's attention to it in hopes that we can find an appropriate forum to discuss and discover the real answers behind these types of conspiracies.

My only theory so far, is this: I have a feeling that the hidden sticky ingredient is somehow related to a terrorist plot to overthrow our society. The terrorist factions are always trying to hit us where it hurts most, and what better way to destroy a society than by trying to sabotage their semi-condiments, one at a time...
I'm sure that once the TSA gets wind of my theory, we'll be banned from carrying peanut butter onto airplanes, at least in more than a 2-oz container. Because honestly, until we know what the secret sticky ingredient is, we need to be much more careful with how we handle our peanut butter.

WOLFMOTHER !!!

The show is tonight! Here in little old Tempe, AZ. I haven't been this excited for a concert since... never! This could be the show that brings the world together. Much like that performance of

"We Are the World"

starring everyone from Michael Jackson, to Stevie Wonder, Lionel Richie, and even the lowly, white Kenny Rogers snuck in for a piece of that action.


"People unite for the Wolfies have returned from the canyons of L.A. with a fusion of freaked out jamming, delicate melodies and gallant rock riffage that shall be known collectively as 'Wolfmother'."

That sentence is merely a brief glimpse into the world of WOLFMOTHER. Imagine that verbiage as just the tip of the iceberg... amazingly enough, the music is even cooler than the Aussie band's verbiage. I've been listening to the self-titled album for about 3 months now, and have not heard this type of "gallant rock riffage" since Zeppelin IV. I hate to over-hype things, but this album is going to be an iconic rock album for generations to come. And I daresay my children's children will be playing this one at their high school prom.

This blog is not meant as a musical review page, but Wolfmother deserves some hard-earned attention from me. They've been making such sweet music that the least I can do to repay them is to write a quick page about them.

WOLFMOTHER

(you can listen to the entire album on the website above - I highly recommend doing so RIGHT NOW. If you don't, you'll be cursed by either the hammer of Thor or the beard of Zeus)


-Such a glorious name-

I first heard of Wolfmother on Conan O'Brien, and was downloading the album as soon as they reached the chorus of "Mother", their most popular single so far. "Mother" has received a little airplay here in the Phx metro, and it warms my soul to hear it. Mostly because I know it's warming others' souls who are hearing it. Conan, randomly throughout the show, kept saying "Wolfmother" slowly and loudly in a deep, dark rock voice, just because he loved the sound of the name. In fact, I would nominate Wolfmother as having quite possibly the baddest band name in the history of the world. If anyone can think of one that compares, please post a comment.

I hereby nominate Wolfmother as the greatest, baddest band name in the world.


-Who do they think they are?-

So Jack Black has his little Tenacious D band, right?



And they make all these claims that they are the greatest band in the world or have written the greatest song in the world, or some crap like that. Well, what they are trying to do is a very noble thing - they are trying to infuse a lot of different classic rock sounds together into a beautiful, modern combination of these sounds. Much like the Double Decker Taco brought together the two worlds of tacos and burritos into a delightful mix. Tenacious D hasn't even come close to reaching Double Decker Taco status.



But Wolfmother has. That may seem like an absolutely outrageous claim to some of you, but these guys have combined so many classic sounds into such an amazing sound that they have already reached Double Decker Supreme status. Imagine Zeppelin IV raised to the power of Pink Floyd's The Dark Side of the Moon. Yep, it's that good.

Wolfmother IS the band that Tenacious D continues to talk about becoming.


-The Wolfmother Effect-

Since tonight is the show, I've listened to the album about 20x in the last day or so. Pretty standard protocol, right? Well never in my pre-concert preparation experiences before have I felt the influence of the music begin to take over my life like I have in the last 24 hours. Not only my life, but the life of everything around me has been elevated due to the increased Wolfmother effect in my life.

Piece of evidence #1 - The Phx Suns / NJ Nets game last night. Every good player played well above average in the game, on both sides of the ball. The final score ended up 161-157 for Phx. This was the 4th highest scoring game in the history of the universe. Even Steve Nash played better than usual in one of the most amazing games in history last night. Most thought that as the two-time-reigning MVP that his level of play couldn't get much better. Wrong. He put on one of the most dazzling performances EVER (and all this without his long hair...). I only need one word to explain the amazing performances - Wolfmother.

Piece of evidence #2 - I went fake-baking for the first time ever today. (I can hear the gasps...). To those of you who know me, you also know how much I have detested fake-baking over the entire course of my life. Ever since my first word was "radiation", I've been on an anti-fake-baking tear. So for me to climb into that little microwave pod like last night's dinner and flip the switch to 'on' for 8 minutes ... let's just say it was monumental. Not that I need too much help... living in AZ gives me plenty of time to keep up a good tan, and I usually do fairly well in that deparment. Honestly I have no idea why I did it. I just had this crazy, illogical, unexplainable desire jump into my brain this morning and I couldn't stop it from taking over my actions. The more I kept listening to Wolfmother, the stronger the desire became. And there is no other explanation than the power of Wolfmother.

Each song on the album has the same effect as drinking 4 Red Bulls.

You will not regret letting Wolfmother into your life. I'd recommend letting them take your life over completely.

Hasseling the Hoff - artist or engineer?

If you grow up in Germany, you basically have 2 choices of what music you want to listen to: a) Rammstein, or b) David Hasselhoff. So why the discussion on German music options? Because Hasselhoff's international celebrity status has grown to proportions that no one, not even those of us who grew up watching Knight Rider and thought we knew what his potential was, would have guessed. This requires some discussion.



After Germany was desecrated during WWII, there were not many who envisioned the once-proud nation returning to its status as a world leader. And while Germany has never been thought of as much of a fashion center, an artistically inspired nation or a producer of great international entertainment, it DOES have strengths.

-Engineering a nation of nerds-

While I hate to generalize, Germany is basically only famous for its engineering. Some might argue that its cars would be another famous, German icon. But let's be honest, the cars are a product of the engineering. Germany is so proud of its world-renowned engineering, that its youth have a hard time growing up with a chance at being anything but engineers. Could you imagine being a German parent and hearing your child proclaim that she wants to be a German-cuisine chef when she grows up? That's about like trying to find a career in Oklahoma as a deep-sea fisherman. Parents in Germany probably disown their children if they want to be anything other than engineers.

In a nation so steeped in the hard science of engineering, why would David Hasselhoff's music, of all things, be popular? Is it due to the engineering feat that was Kit, his talking car from Knight Rider? Were Germans so in love with this automotive marvel that was so far ahead of its time, that they just latched onto its owner?

The only conclusion I can draw on Hasselhoff's musical popularity in Germany is that he is a musical engineer, not a musical artist. For those of you in America who have heard any of his music, you have probably cringed at the thought of Hasselhoff as an artist. I know this idea was hard for me to swallow. For some reason, I feel much better knowing that he is not an artist, but a musical engineer.


-Do Americans love David Hasselhoff ?-

Not sure how many of you have seen Sponge Bob's full length movie, but Hasselhoff makes quite an appearance in the show. In fact, Sponge Bob and Patrick use Hasselhoff as a sort of speedboat to go from the shore out deep into the ocean. There is even a fight between the movie's bad guy (sorry, don't remember his name...) and Sponge Bob, while they are riding on the Hasselhoff speedboat. All this means is that the lucky viewer gets to see Hasselhoff's leg hair up close and personal. Total, it was about 15 minutes that we got to see Sponge Bob and the bad guy battling it out on the deck of the SS Hasselhoff.

The reason I bring up the Sponge Bob movie appearance is that I think Germans should question their loyalty to Hasselhoff over it. I don't care what you think about his music, this act alone should force you to question your loyalty. As much as I like Led Zeppelin, if Robert Plant ever tried to pull of a stunt like this in a movie I would, no doubt, question my loyalty to his music. The future actions of an entertainer definitely can influence how we feel about their past material (e.g., look at Pee Wee Herman... it wasn't until he started disrobing, etc in public that we began to say bad things about his tv show and movies... ok that may be a little extreme for an example, but you get the point).

I am wondering if there is a Germany-Hasselhoff parallel in the United States. Someone who got popular internationally for a tv show or maybe a movie, but then became a superstar in the US for his/her music (and that same music happens to be un-popular in his/her home country).


-Does he even know how to use that thing?-

After all this discussion of Hasselhoff, I'm left to question why he is still popular at all. Since he left the cast of Baywatch, the biggest thing he has done in the US was his appearance in Sponge Bob's full feature. Internationally, the biggest thing he has done was to issue 2005's CD entitled

Night Rocker

This CD is amazing. At least the cover. Looks like he is standing on Kit's hood, in the same outfit he wore when he actually was popular in the US back in 1986. His hair is feathered perfectly. And look at that stance...knees bent at just the right obtuse angles to drive those German engineer girls mad. The guitar looks about as unnatural in his hands as a t-shirt would look under that leather vest.


-Germans love David Hasselhoff-

Shouldn't this cd cover have been his downfall? I don't think I have even heard any of the songs, but the cover is enough for me. Doesn't matter how good the music is. However, from the cover, I can only imagine...

Apparently, though, Hasselhoff is as popular as ever in Germany. Dirk Nowitski of the Dallas Mavericks was caught during the NBA playoffs this year listening to "Night Rocker" in the locker room to get pumped up before the game. Which happened to be an amazing coincidence, because not 5 minutes later, the camera found Hasselhoff sitting in an aisle seat in the stands. They interviewed Hasselhoff in the stands, and it was refreshing to see that his look hasn't changed at all since the cd cover.

So why do Germans love Hasselhoff? There are some things that those of us with refined musical taste will just never understand. I would vote for the fact that he has engineered his way into their hearts. Somehow. We need to commission someone to research the Science of Hasselhoff to find some answers. I, for one, am never going to understand it.