Three months ago I moved to Arkansas. Laugh it up, fuzz ball. Somebody has to live in Arkansas, right? Otherwise how would the rest of the country keep making fun of it?
Well, I've never really thought of myself as a redneck... in fact, I can give a list of reasons why I don't qualify as a redneck:
-I know how to pronounce certain words correctly ("es-cape" not "eck-scape", etc),
-I don't own a gun and I've never been hunting,
-I don't own a truck with a gunrack,
-I don't even own either a truck OR a gunrack,
-I went to a rodeo just once, but it was with the intent of making fun of people,
-I don't own any flannel or camouflage clothing,
-I don't quote Larry the Cable Guy,
-the closest thing to a weapon in my house is a set of golfclubs or a Nerf gun,
-I have my teeth cleaned every six months by a trained professional,
-my list of geniuses includes Albert Einstein and not Jeff Foxworthy,
I could go on...
...but you may notice one fairly obvious item missing from that list, and that is the problem that I'd like to talk about in this blog today.
The Innocent Beginning to an Extremely Depressing Story
About two months ago, I cut my own hair with a pair of clippers... nice and short. I'm pretty sure that a lot of dudes out there do this and I'm not a freak...
The Extremely Depressing End of the Extremely Depressing Story
Yesterday, I walked into a barbershop and told the barber to make me look good. The barber asked how short I wanted my hair cut on the top versus in back. I responded that I didn't know. So she grabbed her comb and measured my hair: "Right now, it's 2 inches on the top... and... 2.5 inches on the back." That phrase sunk deep into my heart...
I'm sure you know what that means. I had a mullet. You know, longer hair in the back than in the front... "business up-front, party in the back"... Nothing makes someone a redneck as quickly as owning and sporting a mullet. It doesn't matter how many items are on the list of things I do that disqualify me as a redneck. I can't deny the fact that I had a mullet.
If you consider yourself to not be a redneck, and suddenly you realize that you have a mullet, your opinion about not being a redneck is automatially wrong. And let me attest, this will turn your world upside-down. My entire frame of reference as a non-redneck had shifted.
Now, before I just automatically qualify myself as a redneck due to my mullet, let me ask a question: Does it matter whether my mullet was inadvertent?
Be honest in your comments... my life, as I know it, depends on your answers.
8 comments:
There are no such things as accidents. PS Mullets are back in style now. u have nothing to fear.
I have heard a lot of people say that different things were "inadvertent" for various reasons. And I have to say that you need to tell yourself whatever it takes in order to sleep at night, even if that is a lie. Because sleep is important.
After re-reading your previous post about bandwagons, and it sounds like someone needs to start listening to their own advice. If some lame barber accuses you of having a mullet? Deny, deny, deny. There is no mullet.
Inadvertent?! I've been living with you long enough to know the truth.
First of all - Squoze.
Second - Arkansas. (despite Leif's emphatic warning).
Third - It's not the first time you've sported a mullet.
And then, your penchant for armadillos and road kill is a "whole nother story".
(btw, I love you! :D )
A "whole nother story" ... yes, I do say that. That would make for a whole nother blog, on a whole nother day.
Deny a mullet? Why would I ever want to do that? Matt says they are back in style now. I'm just embracing the mullet fashionista that I have become since moving to arkansas.
Your post has a fundamental flaw that I'd like to point out, Pete. First of all, by Arkansas standards, a mullet must have at least twice the length in the back compared to the front, even though other states have adopted the "slightly longer than the front" definition for a mullet. Arkansas sticks with the "double or nothing" routine. Therefore Pete, your mullet is really just a mull, since it falls short of Arkansas standards for mullets. What you need to do is shave the top completely, while letting the hair in the back go free. Then, when the business in the front starts to grow out again, you'll have a true Arkansas mullet, and it will be a beauty. Please post pictures.
I would like to thankyou for such an enlightening post. I dont by and large reply on blogs as I wish to lurk and read. However your style of literature is uncomplicated to understand, I love the fact that it is clear and to the point. I will make sure that I mail your blog to my acquaintances as I am certain they will not only like reading your post but also find it extremely instructive.
Acheter vimax en France.2011AVEF
I like to think of my blogs as instructive also. Thank you, my clearly non-American friend. Sounds like the French are hungering for an instructor like me. Feel free to comment anytime, amigo!
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