We are issuing a formal factory recall on all "Calvin" stickers. They are not working as intended, and are causing inadvertent anger toward any and all proponents of these stickers.
It does not matter which type of Calvin sticker you have on your vehicle. Whether he is peeing on a Ford symbol, Chevy symbol, Dodge symbol, or your school's nemesis.
It does not matter how long you have had it on your vehicle. Even if you bought it used five minutes ago and the prior owner put it on.
It does not matter where you were born or raised. Hey, I say "squoze" and I know better than to have a Calvin sticker on my car. Heck, I know better than to have a truck in the first place.
It does not matter whether you knew your mother as a child or whether she beat you with a bamboo stick.
It does not matter when you were born. Even if you were born while your mother was watching an episode of The Dukes of Hazzard or The Fall Guy.
It does not matter how tall your girlfriend's hair is. That's not an excuse for anything anymore. Sorry. That used to be good for anything.
It does not matter if your father was Bill Watterson or if your imaginary pet tiger's name is Hobbes. In fact, if either of those things is true, then either your father or your imaginary pet tiger is exceedingly ashamed of you and they want nothing to do with you ever again so you should probably drive your truck off a cliff asap.
Whatever reason or excuse you have for that Calvin sticker, IT DOES NOT MATTER. If you have a Calvin sticker on your vehicle, TAKE IT OFF. No one wants to know how stupid you are. If you need it explained to you any more than this, you won't understand.
Stop being an idiot. If not for your own sake, then for everyone else's.
10 comments:
I've missed your rants lately. This was a nice one.
I think your recall should extend to ALL bumper stickers, gonadal decorative units, and any so-called man who drives a mini cooper.
I especially don't like the ones with him praying "repentance style" in front of a cross, if we can't have religion in our schools, take it off the public roads. That's what I say.
Pete, I totally agree with your blog, however, i think that something that Matt said deserves more attention - Gonadal Decorative Units ...
davey not-judd - it feels good to be back to my old self again. so much building inside me, i was starting to feel like the Hulk until i got that out.
matt - i think you need your own blog... that's just too much for one post for me.
snoop - was going to include those calvin praying stickers, in fact, i had it in there and chose to delete it because i don't want to bring any sort of condemnation upon mine own head.
choco - GDUs definitely deserve more attention. i don't even know what they are. maybe it's a Hawaii thing... matty, care to elaborate?
I'm not matt, but I believe a gonadal is a growth that can hang from your gonads. Anyways....While we are talking about things to take off of cars and ESPECIALLY HUGE TRUCKS are the fake pair of balls they hang from the hitch. (maybe this is what matty is talking about.) Isn't it obvious they are already trying to make up for something in the size truck they bought. We don't need the fake pair of testes to throw it over the edge. I'd like to chop off their fake ones and shove it down their throats. Violent i know but I think I'd get my point across.
So.... does this go for Calvin thumbnails too?
I had the same thought just two days ago Marc.
Marc - What does your conscience tell you? Nevermind, that's why I'm here is to tell you what to do and help you justify feeling good about it. Honestly, I've never felt any rage toward your thumbnail. Maybe cause he's neither peeing nor praying.
Steph - Your comment was way too visual for me. Although I did see a fake pair of those GDUs on a big truck the other day and just laughed and pointed at the guy as I drove by. Then he grabbed his gun off the gun rack behind his head and started shooting at me. Anyone else think there may be a correlation between losers and guns? Or maybe fake nads and rage?
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