Poop is funny

Why is the word "poop" so funny? I always thought it was just boys that loved that word, but apparently it's girls, too. Since becoming a step-father to two girls, ages 4 and 6, I've realized just how funny the p word is to little girls, too... any time they get into a funny or giggly mood, out comes poop. There's no way around it. Doesn't matter what they're laughing about, one will ALWAYS say poop, no matter how badly it clashes with the topic at hand. When everybody is laughing, hearing the word poop just makes us laugh more. It seems to be a tried and tested rule of comedy- if someone is laughing, throwing a little poop in makes it better. The old cliche is true... there truly is no stopping poop sometimes.

When I was young, I remember thinking to myself, "I know I'm gonna get in trouble saying poop... so... if I'm gonna bust it out, it had better be in a situation that is going to get maximum appreciation from the crowd." Honestly, I would strategize when to drop the proverbial poop bomb on the crowd. I found that if you pay attention, a perfect moment will arise when the word just begs to be said- in ANY and EVERY conversation. I challenge you to try paying attention to each conversation you have for the next three days to see when you could drop a poop in for maximum impact. Your poop sensing will become more accute and you will start to either develop or re-kindle the ability to know when and where to bring up poop in each conversation. Even if you don't actually drop the poop in, you will recognize these opportunities as they arise and then also as they subside.

We have definitely become de-sensitized to poop. Like I said before, I used to get in trouble for dropping poop when I was young. But the comedic effect was always worth going without dessert, if my parents heard me. I mean, a few well timed poops at school and I was labeled as a very funny child by my peers in elementary school. I just knew where to throw down a poop... it was never around my parents cause they just didn't appreciate a good poop. But kids my age were always impressed with a nice, strategic poop. Unless, of course, there was too much poop coming out... that usually caused the dreaded thought in others, "His only material is poop" and that was a comedy career killer. So I settled into a good frequency of pooping at a young age. It's amazing how much of my self-image I owe to poop.

I'm sad to say that my poops have been rather infrequent lately... I just never feel that pressing need much anymore. No uncontrolled poop outbursts; no planned, tactical, thought-out-in-advance poops; basically no poop at all anymore. I know, it's really sad. Maybe that's why I am delighted when I notice kids using poop to get laughs now. I admire a good pooper, almost like it's a long-lost art form...

Kids have it easy with poop these days, though... I usually laugh when the girls improvise a nice poop, or when they will work some poop into whatever they're doing. I'm sure my parents would be appalled at my acceptance of their poop... but poop is funny sometimes. There's no denying it. Poop is just funny sometimes.

That better be a Baby Ruth...

Here in Phx, we had a new record high of 117 F on July 4th. For those of you who have never experienced 117 F, I would recommend not wishing to experience it. Cause we all know that what you wish for is what you'll get. And I would hate for Al Gore to be right, and if it starts hitting 117 all over the country, then I might have to conclude that he's not just a hippy bum. Enough about Al Gore.

"But it's a dry heat..." I know, I know... better than a humid heat. But still... 117 is hot. In my brain, I have this discussion with myself when I hear "it's a dry heat"-

(My brain) : "Hot?"

(Me) : "Yes."

(My brain) : "Dry?"

(Me) : "Yes."

(My brain) : "Still hot?"

(Me) : "Yes."

(My brain) : "But even though it's dry?"

(Me) : "Yes. Now stop asking."

Ok, so it's hot.

The point of all of this is that the best way to "beat the heat" (another term I absolutely despise... seriously, has anyone ever taken The Heat out back and given it a good whoopin' ? Well let's stop saying "beat the heat" until someone posts a video on youtube of The Heat getting cracked by its drunk father's leather belt), is to jump in the swimming pool which, luckily, is located right outside of our apartment's front door. 117 is hot, but you just don't notice it when you're sitting in a swimming pool. So that's what we did to celebrate the 117 record high (and our nation's independence), we swam in the pool.

"Great, so why are you writing a blog about your stupid pool?"

Because yesterday, July 5th, was supposed to be 116 F. Which, I know, you may be saying is NOT as hot as 117 F. And you would be right... but if you really want to argue that point, then you deserve a punch to the teeth. 116 is hot too. Let's just be agreed on that point so I can get on with it.

Yesterday, the pool had a sign on the gate, which read, "Pool closed for draining". When I saw that, I started looking around for the hidden cameras, because I was sure that we were being filmed for an episode of Ashton Kutcher's brain-child Punked.

Wrong. No cameras around. I even looked in the hot-tub. Nothing. "Crap! Now how am I supposed to beat The Heat ??!!" ... So with no way left to beat The Heat, we went back to our cool, air-conditioned apartment. I'm just now realizing that this blog is serving more as a source to vent today than usual... but how can The Man drain our pool during the hottest time of the summer in the middle of the desert? I only have 1 explanation for such irrational behavior: That BETTER be a Baby Ruth floating around in the water.........

(if you don't understand the Baby Ruth line, then you don't deserve to be reading this blog. please go watch Caddyshack, then re-read for maximum enjoyment)