A few days ago while working, I noticed something rather disturbing. While picking up my keys, which had inadvertently fallen to the ground, I realized that at the ripe old age of 28, I am truly becoming a decrepit old man.
Detailed below is the 17-step process I have been using for the past few years, without realizing it, to reach the ground.
1. Take a deep breath
2. Spread feet apart, just wider than shoulder width
3. Perform the initial pre-crouch, by sticking your derriere straight back and down until your knees bend to a 30-degree angle
4. Stop!
5. Give your pants an upward tug by grabbing just above the knee and lifting slightly
6. Now, pay careful attention to bend at the knees
7. Placing your left hand on your left knee, lean weight onto your left knee * VERY IMPORTANT! Do Not Skip!
8. Grunt semi-satisfactorily
9. Touch the floor
10. Stay down. It took so much time to get here... take advantage of your accomplishment
11. Slowly straighten your back until you can see the horizon. To do this, push on your left knee using your left arm for leverage
12. Exhale air
13. Using all of the strength left in your legs and back, straighten yourself back to a vertical position
14. Realize that you are pathetic
15. Mutter to the nearest person, "I'm getting ooooooold". If no one else is around, you are still required to mumble this phrase to yourself
16. Try to remember the last time you had a physical examination
17. Convince yourself you'd rather go through this process than have the awkward "turn your head and cough" experience
Am I the only under-60 year-old male going through this on a regular basis?
5 comments:
I'd say that's pretty accurate.
So is the process any different when you're picking up your golf ball? Seems to me you'd be damaging a lot of greens.
Impressive, larson. You should also share your 26 step outline of the classic "pick and flick."
matt
I'm glad this doesn't happen to the 28 year old ladies...
apparently, it doesn't happen to 14 year-old cross dressing dudes , either...
I thought someone like you would be accustomed to touching their toes on a regular on-going basis. SmoothieP
I can honestly say I've been going through this since 23 (I'm only 26 now) and it gets worse every week. I haven't been able to touch my toes since about 10th grade when the public school system required me to semi-exercise a few times a week. I have rickety bones, my teeth are becoming sensitive to hot and cold (I was hoping they would be cavitities but the dentist gave me a clean bill), and my night vision has gone to nill. I think after 25 we're all just better off dead.
Post a Comment