To Camo, or Not to Camo?

According to my sources (which I wouldn't dare make up), over 90% of Americans have owned at least one article of camouflage clothing during their lifetime. And most of them still have that pair of camo pants or that camo t-shirt tucked away in their closets, collecting dust. I'm calling on any and all Americans with camo in the closet to throw it out, TODAY!

Why? What's wrong with camouflage?

Inherently, nothing. But that's only if it's being used for its inherent purpose - to disguise the wearer. See, the reason camouflage was invented dates all the way back to Rambo - First Blood (1982). Sylvester Stallone needed a way to disguise himself while HIDING from Sherriff Teasle in the FOREST (please note the 2 key words here are HIDING and FOREST).

In fact, according to self-proclaimed camouflage expert Roy R. Behrens, in his eye-opening paper titled A Chronology of Camouflage: A Pastiche in a Bouillabaisse, he brings to light the true purpose of camouflage - "camouflage could be described as disguising..two things as one, ..it causes confusion between an object and its background." Ok, so camouflage is confusing.

Let me clear up the confusion.

Are most people wearing their camo clothing to actually disguise themselves? NO. I don't care what you're hiding from, who you're hiding from, or if the other team knows you are out of paintballs... if you are wearing camouflage, you had better be HIDING from something. If you are not hiding from something and actively trying to blend in with your background, then please do us all a favor and GET RID OF THE CAMO.

Just today, I was at work (inside of Gold's Gym) and during one 5-minute period, four people walked through the front door wearing camouflage (two shirts and two pairs of pants). I began to wonder if N. Korea had decided to invade... so I looked outside to see if there had been a military attack on little old Phoenix. Nope. It was just a nice sunny 65 degree Friday in February. So what was going on? Do people really think it's ok to be wearing camouflage, or are all these people trying to hide? They definitely were not hiding, because each of the four people were wearing GREEN, FOREST camouflage - not the desert camo. Had they been wearing desert camo, I could use the excuse for each of them that they were in hiding. However, that not being the case, I'm left to believe they must have another excuse.

(Then I looked up on the Gold's TV and the music video that was playing at that very instant was Avril Lavigne's "Losing Grip" (YES, I had to look that up...). It's the video where she's looking angry and jumping around the stage in a camouflage shirt. [For all I know, that could be what all her videos look like..] but my point is, she was wearing camo. And this, to me, was a sign of the times. That's why I feel the need to comment today on camouflage. Someone has to do it. The madness must be stopped.)

So there has got to be another reason for all of this camo today. What could it be?

Is today, February 2nd, National Camo Day?

After checking all the calendars I could find, I've come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as National Camo Day. So there had better be a really good excuse for all this camo. Since I love to give people the benefit of the doubt, here is my short list of excuses for wearing camo that make it ok:

Camo Excuses
-YOU are an Army veteran and you are wearing your camo fatigues, which have your last name on them.
-Your brother or sister (who was/is in the Army) sent you camo fatigues, and they have your last name on them.
-You are Rambo (in fact, Rambo never actually wore camo... but Rambo can do whatever he wants).
-You live in a forest and you hunt elk/deer/moose for your subsistence.
-You live in a desert and you hunt coyotes/snakes for your subsistence (requires Desert-colored camo).
-You live in the tundra and you hunt polar bears for your subsistence (requires Snow camo).
-You are Arnold Schwarzeneger and you hunt Predator for a living.
-You are trying to blend in with your background for any reason at all. (HOWEVER, if this is the case, the camo MUST match the background, as this is the whole reason you are wearing camo to begin with). Two perfect examples are shown below:





For the good of the world, let's hope that everyone wearing camo has at least one of these excuses...

Manly Muffin Tops

Over the course of the past 5 years, the tables have turned. In a bad way. Well, they were already bad to begin with, but they are so much worse now.


-So what's the, what's the, what's the scenario? Yo-

Spare me a moment of absolute blunt-ness. In the past week, I've seen more extremely lower man-back than I had seen my entire life.

So... 5 years ago I was in college. At that time, I started noticing that a lot of women were wearing shirts that were not long enough on the bottom to reach the top of their pants. So there was a gap, ranging from 1 to about 8 inches, of what I felt to be unintentionally-showing-to-the-public skin. I'm sure in some cases, this skin was intentionally shown... however, in most cases I know for a fact this was unintentional. ...At least it should have been (the dreaded case of the "muffin top" out the top of the jeans... had better be unintentional. NO ONE in their right mind wants to EVER see a muffin top. For those of you who don't know, the muffin top is basically that layer of fat around the mid-section that sticks out of the top of the jeans and hangs over the top edge. Not good. I realize most Americans are at least a little bit overweight... and the first place this "over-weight" shows itself is in the hips/waist. So why draw attention to that part of the body by revealing it, unless it's nice to look at? No one wants to see this fat! Anyway...)



But, a couple of years ago, we started to see more women who were figuring this out. The trend in muffin tops declined (Hooray!) due to the introduction of the longer-undershirt. So, the tops women are wearing are still the same length, the jeans are still lower cut, but the extra layer of the (normally white) longer undershirt has been added to cover up this bare skin that no one wanted to see.

KUDOS TO WOMEN FOR FIGURING THIS OUT AND DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!

One of the most traumatic days of my life also happened to be the day that I happened to see the worst case of a muffin top I've ever experienced. If you don't want to know about this most-painful-of-days, skip the rest of this paragraph. So... a co-worker and I were in San Francisco for work a couple of years ago, and we decided to get tickets to the baseball game that night, Giants v. D-Backs. Our seats were out in right field on the bleachers and most of the seats were full in that part of Pac-Bell. During the bottom of the 1st inning, 2 girls showed up and had seats about 3 rows in front of us. They each had a beer in their hand. However, it didn't look like they needed the beers, as the taller of the 2 girls was already having trouble keeping her balance and was REALLY loud. She also happened to have a bad case of Creeping Muffin Top. I'm sure being drunk didn't help with the growing muffin top... she didn't seem to notice it at all and with her presumably out-of-normal swaying and moving, she eventually worked her way to the absolutely Biggest Muffin Top I have ever seen... the gap between the bottom of her top and the top of her low-cut jeans had easily reached a full 12 inches. And she had a healthy layer of fat to keep that revealed part of her body warm, which made it that much worse to behold. The top just kept going higher and the pants just kept sliding lower... And she just kept getting drunker. And with a crowd that was probably 80% dudes... well, you can imagine that basically everyone in the crowd was staring at her. Praying... hoping... but no. The muffin top was there to stay. This experience scarred me. Luckily, experiences like this involving women have decreased dramatically over the past few years.

Not that I'm on an outright crusade against muffin tops, but I WOULD say that I am 100% anti-muffin tops. Maybe you could say that I've been leading a SILENT crusade against muffin tops. You know, the lead-by-example type of crusade. Lesson learned: muffin top + alcohol = bigger muffin top. Simple enough.

Ok, so the women have figured out that to cut down on muffin tops, they just have to add this little lengthy undershirt - easy enough. But in the past week, there has been an alarming trend - now, it's the guys who are taking a turn muffin topping.


-What? No way! Guys are NOT muffin topping!-

Oh, YES THEY ARE. Let me share. I just started my first class at ASU last week. One of my classes happens to be a 1,000-student lecture, in a theater/auditorium. Me being me, I am required to sit on the back row very near the door. This gives me a great perspective to people-watch. Anyway, I started noticing (NOT GIRLS, BUT GUYS!) showing up with muffin tops. Not just one here or there... I'm talking like 20-30 per day. Guys showing up to class and then when they sit down, this big muffin top just shows up out of nowhere (they glow in the semi-dark auditorium, so they're really easy to see...).

And last night I was at dinner with some friends at a little restaurant. I didn't notice until about 20 minutes into the meal, but sitting behind one of the girls in our party was a particulary large man, with an equally large muffin top showing out the back of his chair. I whispered to my friend sitting next to me, "Hey, don't look now, but... there's something you really DO NOT want to see in that direction [pointing]" This girl's response was (in a loud, almost angry whisper), "OH, I KNOW! I SAW IT ABOUT 10 MINUTES AGO. ISN'T THAT DISGUSTING?" Then the girl sitting on the other side of me leaned over and asked what we were talking about... I pointed again, and without even having to turn her head, she said, "EW! I ALREADY SAW. NASTY! SOMEONE SHOULD TELL HIM."

And one final experience from this past Sunday... I went to a different church congregation than normal, and while sitting on the very last row [again, my usual seat...], happened to notice the worst male muffin top I have seen to date (but keep in mind, I hadn't seen any to note up until a week ago...). A guy who was dressed in a nice button-down shirt and khakis, matching shoes/belt, and a shiny new black leather jacket was showing about 8 inches of his extremely lower back through the metal chair to everyone behind him. It was absolutely disgusting. He should have known better. In fact, the only row of seats in the entire room that had no one sitting in it, turned out to be the row directly behind him and his poor wife. About 5 minutes into the service, in walked a young family - parents and 2 children. Since the only seats available were in the special-row-right-behind-manly-muffin-tops, the family seated themselves there. No less than 10 seconds after sitting down, the wife noticed the muffin top and I heard a very slight shriek out of her. Her 3-yr old son was sitting directly behind the muffin top and had one hand grabbing the top of the man's pants and pulling them out, to reveal EVEN MORE skin. Luckily the mother caught the boy before the man noticed... who knows what sort of fury would have burst forth from the muffin top guy had the muffin top actually been touched. Luckily the mother found a large piece of posterboard that she had brought to church for a lesson, and she placed it directly behind the muffin top, concealing it from view. And you could just tell the 3-yr old had never seen anything like it with how he kept staring at it.....

This is a trend that just didn't used to happen. I recall in elementary school, there was always the lazy, slobby kid in your class (usually accompanied by a snotty nose), and if you were anywhere behind him while he was sitting down, you couldn't help but notice what brand of underwear he had on. (I need to insert a disclaimer here: I am NOT a bum-looker [to quote an old SNL...]. Sometimes you just can't help but notice things...). BUT, you almost never saw an actual muffin top. This is yet another sign of the declining morals in our society.


-But why are GUYS doing the Muffin Top?-

That's the whole reason for the blog post today. I am dumb-founded. I have no answers.

Have guys not remembered the negative reactions they had when the women were muffin topping? I mean, it's like a gag reflex when you see one. Really, it's the type of bad experience I don't wish on even my worst enemies... even they deserve better than that.

I can only think I've been put on this earth for one reason: to call attention to anyone who has a muffin top (and this appears to be mostly guys right now). We need to increase muffin top awareness and stop them in their tracks. Join me in this crusade against the muffin tops!

Tribute to ___________ ?

There is so much that this picture inspires in me... but today I'm flipping the tables. I want to know the first thought that runs through YOUR head when you see it. I won't edit any comments, so just listen to your heart on this one and post away.

Forsaking the High Five

Today marks the five year anniversary of a big day - the day that I forsook high fives. Normally, I don’t celebrate the yearly anniversary for the day that I forsook high fives, but if there is one anniversary to celebrate for the forsaking of high fives, it should definitely be the fifth.


- Impact of a high five -

“FIVER!!!!” Nothing says “lame frat-boy” quite like hearing someone behind you yell “fiver!” and when you turn around they have one hand in the air waiting for you to slap it. This situation just makes me cringe.



The worst situation possible is after you tell a funny joke, everyone within ear shot is laughing, you are feeling good about yourself due to the quality of the joke and the fact that the group has agreed that it was funny, and then someone attempts to give you a high five. This just absolutely kills all the good feelings you were having about yourself for the joke. In fact, you would have been better off not venturing out of your shell to begin with, because you basically just had your self esteem flattened by some inconsiderate jerk who apparently thinks high fives add value of some sort.

High fives are also used a little too much on first dates. And basically any group date where the guys are trying to make the girls feel “special”. This is painfully obvious when you see a young group of kids bowling … when the girl who has never bowled before (easy to tell) finally DOESN’T throw a gutter-ball, and she is awaited by 4 guys with their hands waiting in the air for her to slap. Gag me with a spoon. These guys are just trying to get a little bit of cheap, unwarranted physical contact with anything that has legs. Nothing says “desperate for cheap physical contact” quite like a high five. And… it’s only guys in the group who are high fiving each other, that just screams “homo-erotic” a little bit, doesn’t it?

[side note: normally “gag me with a spoon” would be the topic of the blog. But since I haven’t heard it in use for the past 15 years, I figured it would make a good comment in this blog. “Gag me with a spoon” has remained buried for the past 15 years, but why hasn’t the high five???]


- What’s wrong with the high five ? -

We need to pass some legislation around the use of high fives. And by “legistlation”, I mean, let’s just make them 100% illegal. There is never a good time for a high five. (ok, one exception to every rule I make is that it’s always ok to break the rule if you are making fun of someone else. And if you’re dealing with small children, high fives are also acceptable. Small children have a couple of exceptions to rules that apply to adults – high fives is the first, the other would be use of the word “buddy”. If another adult calls me “buddy” he had better be prepared to have his teeth reworked. Same goes for adult high fivers.)

High fives are a little too 1984, which means we might expect them to finally be gaining in popularity in Japan. The problem is that, in my head, high fives seem to fit in with images of feathered hair, pegged pants and Converse Skidgrips. Maybe another problem is that when I was searching for fitting high five images this morning on the web, it seemed like every website that had a high five picture was one of those “make money now, fast!” websites.

And if it has become the style again to start slapping high fives, then what happened to the pegged pants and the feathered hair (which both happen to be popular in Japan)? If you’re gonna bring back a style, you need to bring it all back. Otherwise, it just seems really out of place. The high five definitely is out of place in our society right now.


- In conclusion –

My brother just walked through the room and asked what the blog topic for today is, and when I indicated High Fives, he thought it would be controversial, at the least. “I love to high five. Although I also use a luffa…” (please refer to previous blog on luffas/loofahs).

I guess I don’t need to say anything more, since he basically summed up everything I wanted to say with that one statement.

The Neutering Power of the Luffa

Since when has it been acceptable for the luffa to be found in a man's shower? Am I missing something here? I mean, my mom always had a luffa in her shower, but I don't think my dad ever went anywhere near it.


For those of you who don't know, the luffa is a coarse, sponge-like item that is used BY WOMEN to exfoliate excess skin. I think that's how Wikipedia defined it. There are both natural and artificial versions, and they have a coarse texture to them that helps to "polish the skin". When did it become OK for a man to "polish his skin" ? Men use rags and sandpaper to polish their skin. Not luffas.

Is the luffa just another part of the metro-sexual movement that is currently sweeping our country? There are certain aspects of the metro movement that are acceptable... for example, a man knowing that his belt and shoes should always match is a good thing. But wearing eyeliner is pushing the envelope as a man a little too much. And using a luffa is just plain crossing the line from man into woman. Crossing that line isn't necessarily a bad thing, if you are actually trying to become a woman. But if you are trying to remain a man... well you just need to get that luffa out of your shower and donate your eyeliner to a Mary Kay fundraiser.

As hard as I looked on the internet this morning, I was 100% unsuccessful at finding a luffa in any manly colors. Normally you can find them in the same color schemes as women's scented soaps (lavender, pink, light yellow, baby blue, white). There are no luffas in red, blue, black, brown, etc, the manlier of the colors. SINCE NO ONE IS CURRENTLY PRODUCING A LUFFA IN A MANLY COLOR, SHOULDN'T THAT BE A SIGN? You might even expect to find luffas in some more neutral colors... green, orange, etc. But they just don't exist.



- But guys don't use luffas... -

For the past few months, this topic has been mulling on my mind. My brother, cousin and a friend currently live in the same house I do. Since we have 4 guys and only 2 bathrooms, we share the bathrooms. One day a white luffa showed up in my shared shower. So I went out looking for the woman who was staying in my house, unbeknownst to me. I looked for about 2 minutes and didn't find any women in the house. So I confronted my brother about the luffa, expecting it to be his. I was right. He confessed. But he had no idea the luffa wasn't meant for a man. How could he not know this? Isn't it an inherent trait born to men's nature to recognize items that are meant for women only? It's like when you are walking through the supermarket and you happen to glance down the Women's Products aisle... you immediately have this knee-jerk reaction which is fueled by an impressive adrenaline rush. Your manly stomach just tells you what products to stay away from.

During the past few days, I've been visiting another brother, staying in his college apartment while his 2 roommates are home for the holidays. In the bathroom which is normally shared by his 2 roommates, I found not 1 but 2 luffas. They are light yellow and lavender in color. I repeat, they are light yellow and lavender in color. Do these guys not know what this means?


- Pedicure + Luffa = Man? -

Apparently the education of "How to Be a Man" in our country is suffering. This is made painfully obvious by the increase in nail painting by young men, the increased eyeliner wearing by young men, the increased number of massages & pedicures being purchased by young men, and the increased usage of luffas by young men.

If we want to protect our country and maintain the rights which the founding fathers intended, then let us protect the manliness of the country. This country's freedom wasn't won by pedicure-getting, cuticle-trimming, luffa-scrubbing "men". I can only assume that the growing use of the luffa has been influenced by the French. What other nationality of men would use such a feminine item for such a feminine purpose? If you take a good hard look at the directional shift in our society during the past few years, you can see us becoming more and more like a country of French women. Think about it and try to argue against that point. I dare you.


- So what can we do? -

I'm proposing a National Luffa Boycott by all American men. (Maybe we can even call it a "Man-cott"... normally I am firmly against the use of puns and plays-on-words, but this instance will go as an exception to my normal position). As the Boston Tea Party inspired a nation to stand up for its rights and freedoms, so will the Luffa Boycott inspire this generation of American men, who are slowly becoming French women, to 1) embrace their manhood, 2) throw out the luffa, and 3) defend its rights as a generation of American men.

American men, rise up with me against the luffa!

Conspiracy + Peanut Butter = Terrorist Plot

As I was sitting around doing nothing the other day (or what some people call "working"), I was just staring at a jar of peanut butter. (For a minute, I had the thought run through my head "hey, isn't Bill Lumberg supposed to be walking by and harrassing me about something right about now?" ... but then I remembered that I'm the boss. sorry for the cheap Office Space ref..) Anyway, if you've never tried just sitting and staring at a jar of peanut butter, I'd highly recommend it - you'll get epiphany after epiphany. I've singled out one of these epiphanies to write about in today's blog. Here we go. Prepare to have your world shaken at its foundation.

So peanut butter is a very simple product. Let me explain. Peanuts and salt. That's it. A few producers will add oil and/or sugar to the formula, but your generic peanut butter equation is this:

Peanuts + Salt = Peanut Butter

This should be no surprise to anyone. Neither should the fact that the finished product of peanut butter is STICKY. This is very important and happens to be the focal point of the discussion. "Peanut butter? Sticky? No duh you idiot" Well let me throw some light on my hypothetical gorilla who is sitting in the middle of your confused, dark hypothetical room.

If peanuts + salt = peanut butter, and peanut butter = sticky, then by the theory of association, we can combine these two equations into one:

peanuts + salt = sticky



Now I'm guessing everyone reading this has at one point or another tried chewing on a handful of salted peanuts. Salted peanuts just happen to have ALL TWO ingredients in peanut butter. And since peanut butter is just smashed up peanuts mixed with salt, then by chewing on salted peanuts, you should eventually arrive at peanut butter. So do the chewed up salted peanuts ever end up turning into a sticky mess in your mouth? NO. It doesn't matter how long you continue to chew the 2 *known* ingredients found in peanut butter, a chewed up handful of salted peanuts will NEVER become sticky.

What does this mean? Basically, it means that the big peanut butter producers are ADDING ANOTHER HIDDEN INGREDIENT TO OUR PEANUT BUTTER, TO MAKE IT STICKY. This is the only logical conclusion from the empirical evidence on the matter.

But why would PB producers want to sneak some unknown sticky ingredient into one of the most highly consumed semi-condiments in our society? How does the FDA not know about this, or does the FDA know about this and why would they be a part of this massive cover-up? I can only assume that with all of the brilliant, inspired minds working at the FDA that they are aware of the hidden sticky ingredient in our PB. Which means there is a government-backed conspiracy going on here.

I don't have all the answers on the conspiracy. In fact, I really only have questions at this point. But we need to think about the WHY and discuss it as a society. All I can do as an amateur blogomaniac is try to point people's attention to it in hopes that we can find an appropriate forum to discuss and discover the real answers behind these types of conspiracies.

My only theory so far, is this: I have a feeling that the hidden sticky ingredient is somehow related to a terrorist plot to overthrow our society. The terrorist factions are always trying to hit us where it hurts most, and what better way to destroy a society than by trying to sabotage their semi-condiments, one at a time...
I'm sure that once the TSA gets wind of my theory, we'll be banned from carrying peanut butter onto airplanes, at least in more than a 2-oz container. Because honestly, until we know what the secret sticky ingredient is, we need to be much more careful with how we handle our peanut butter.

WOLFMOTHER !!!

The show is tonight! Here in little old Tempe, AZ. I haven't been this excited for a concert since... never! This could be the show that brings the world together. Much like that performance of

"We Are the World"

starring everyone from Michael Jackson, to Stevie Wonder, Lionel Richie, and even the lowly, white Kenny Rogers snuck in for a piece of that action.


"People unite for the Wolfies have returned from the canyons of L.A. with a fusion of freaked out jamming, delicate melodies and gallant rock riffage that shall be known collectively as 'Wolfmother'."

That sentence is merely a brief glimpse into the world of WOLFMOTHER. Imagine that verbiage as just the tip of the iceberg... amazingly enough, the music is even cooler than the Aussie band's verbiage. I've been listening to the self-titled album for about 3 months now, and have not heard this type of "gallant rock riffage" since Zeppelin IV. I hate to over-hype things, but this album is going to be an iconic rock album for generations to come. And I daresay my children's children will be playing this one at their high school prom.

This blog is not meant as a musical review page, but Wolfmother deserves some hard-earned attention from me. They've been making such sweet music that the least I can do to repay them is to write a quick page about them.

WOLFMOTHER

(you can listen to the entire album on the website above - I highly recommend doing so RIGHT NOW. If you don't, you'll be cursed by either the hammer of Thor or the beard of Zeus)


-Such a glorious name-

I first heard of Wolfmother on Conan O'Brien, and was downloading the album as soon as they reached the chorus of "Mother", their most popular single so far. "Mother" has received a little airplay here in the Phx metro, and it warms my soul to hear it. Mostly because I know it's warming others' souls who are hearing it. Conan, randomly throughout the show, kept saying "Wolfmother" slowly and loudly in a deep, dark rock voice, just because he loved the sound of the name. In fact, I would nominate Wolfmother as having quite possibly the baddest band name in the history of the world. If anyone can think of one that compares, please post a comment.

I hereby nominate Wolfmother as the greatest, baddest band name in the world.


-Who do they think they are?-

So Jack Black has his little Tenacious D band, right?



And they make all these claims that they are the greatest band in the world or have written the greatest song in the world, or some crap like that. Well, what they are trying to do is a very noble thing - they are trying to infuse a lot of different classic rock sounds together into a beautiful, modern combination of these sounds. Much like the Double Decker Taco brought together the two worlds of tacos and burritos into a delightful mix. Tenacious D hasn't even come close to reaching Double Decker Taco status.



But Wolfmother has. That may seem like an absolutely outrageous claim to some of you, but these guys have combined so many classic sounds into such an amazing sound that they have already reached Double Decker Supreme status. Imagine Zeppelin IV raised to the power of Pink Floyd's The Dark Side of the Moon. Yep, it's that good.

Wolfmother IS the band that Tenacious D continues to talk about becoming.


-The Wolfmother Effect-

Since tonight is the show, I've listened to the album about 20x in the last day or so. Pretty standard protocol, right? Well never in my pre-concert preparation experiences before have I felt the influence of the music begin to take over my life like I have in the last 24 hours. Not only my life, but the life of everything around me has been elevated due to the increased Wolfmother effect in my life.

Piece of evidence #1 - The Phx Suns / NJ Nets game last night. Every good player played well above average in the game, on both sides of the ball. The final score ended up 161-157 for Phx. This was the 4th highest scoring game in the history of the universe. Even Steve Nash played better than usual in one of the most amazing games in history last night. Most thought that as the two-time-reigning MVP that his level of play couldn't get much better. Wrong. He put on one of the most dazzling performances EVER (and all this without his long hair...). I only need one word to explain the amazing performances - Wolfmother.

Piece of evidence #2 - I went fake-baking for the first time ever today. (I can hear the gasps...). To those of you who know me, you also know how much I have detested fake-baking over the entire course of my life. Ever since my first word was "radiation", I've been on an anti-fake-baking tear. So for me to climb into that little microwave pod like last night's dinner and flip the switch to 'on' for 8 minutes ... let's just say it was monumental. Not that I need too much help... living in AZ gives me plenty of time to keep up a good tan, and I usually do fairly well in that deparment. Honestly I have no idea why I did it. I just had this crazy, illogical, unexplainable desire jump into my brain this morning and I couldn't stop it from taking over my actions. The more I kept listening to Wolfmother, the stronger the desire became. And there is no other explanation than the power of Wolfmother.

Each song on the album has the same effect as drinking 4 Red Bulls.

You will not regret letting Wolfmother into your life. I'd recommend letting them take your life over completely.

Hasseling the Hoff - artist or engineer?

If you grow up in Germany, you basically have 2 choices of what music you want to listen to: a) Rammstein, or b) David Hasselhoff. So why the discussion on German music options? Because Hasselhoff's international celebrity status has grown to proportions that no one, not even those of us who grew up watching Knight Rider and thought we knew what his potential was, would have guessed. This requires some discussion.



After Germany was desecrated during WWII, there were not many who envisioned the once-proud nation returning to its status as a world leader. And while Germany has never been thought of as much of a fashion center, an artistically inspired nation or a producer of great international entertainment, it DOES have strengths.

-Engineering a nation of nerds-

While I hate to generalize, Germany is basically only famous for its engineering. Some might argue that its cars would be another famous, German icon. But let's be honest, the cars are a product of the engineering. Germany is so proud of its world-renowned engineering, that its youth have a hard time growing up with a chance at being anything but engineers. Could you imagine being a German parent and hearing your child proclaim that she wants to be a German-cuisine chef when she grows up? That's about like trying to find a career in Oklahoma as a deep-sea fisherman. Parents in Germany probably disown their children if they want to be anything other than engineers.

In a nation so steeped in the hard science of engineering, why would David Hasselhoff's music, of all things, be popular? Is it due to the engineering feat that was Kit, his talking car from Knight Rider? Were Germans so in love with this automotive marvel that was so far ahead of its time, that they just latched onto its owner?

The only conclusion I can draw on Hasselhoff's musical popularity in Germany is that he is a musical engineer, not a musical artist. For those of you in America who have heard any of his music, you have probably cringed at the thought of Hasselhoff as an artist. I know this idea was hard for me to swallow. For some reason, I feel much better knowing that he is not an artist, but a musical engineer.


-Do Americans love David Hasselhoff ?-

Not sure how many of you have seen Sponge Bob's full length movie, but Hasselhoff makes quite an appearance in the show. In fact, Sponge Bob and Patrick use Hasselhoff as a sort of speedboat to go from the shore out deep into the ocean. There is even a fight between the movie's bad guy (sorry, don't remember his name...) and Sponge Bob, while they are riding on the Hasselhoff speedboat. All this means is that the lucky viewer gets to see Hasselhoff's leg hair up close and personal. Total, it was about 15 minutes that we got to see Sponge Bob and the bad guy battling it out on the deck of the SS Hasselhoff.

The reason I bring up the Sponge Bob movie appearance is that I think Germans should question their loyalty to Hasselhoff over it. I don't care what you think about his music, this act alone should force you to question your loyalty. As much as I like Led Zeppelin, if Robert Plant ever tried to pull of a stunt like this in a movie I would, no doubt, question my loyalty to his music. The future actions of an entertainer definitely can influence how we feel about their past material (e.g., look at Pee Wee Herman... it wasn't until he started disrobing, etc in public that we began to say bad things about his tv show and movies... ok that may be a little extreme for an example, but you get the point).

I am wondering if there is a Germany-Hasselhoff parallel in the United States. Someone who got popular internationally for a tv show or maybe a movie, but then became a superstar in the US for his/her music (and that same music happens to be un-popular in his/her home country).


-Does he even know how to use that thing?-

After all this discussion of Hasselhoff, I'm left to question why he is still popular at all. Since he left the cast of Baywatch, the biggest thing he has done in the US was his appearance in Sponge Bob's full feature. Internationally, the biggest thing he has done was to issue 2005's CD entitled

Night Rocker

This CD is amazing. At least the cover. Looks like he is standing on Kit's hood, in the same outfit he wore when he actually was popular in the US back in 1986. His hair is feathered perfectly. And look at that stance...knees bent at just the right obtuse angles to drive those German engineer girls mad. The guitar looks about as unnatural in his hands as a t-shirt would look under that leather vest.


-Germans love David Hasselhoff-

Shouldn't this cd cover have been his downfall? I don't think I have even heard any of the songs, but the cover is enough for me. Doesn't matter how good the music is. However, from the cover, I can only imagine...

Apparently, though, Hasselhoff is as popular as ever in Germany. Dirk Nowitski of the Dallas Mavericks was caught during the NBA playoffs this year listening to "Night Rocker" in the locker room to get pumped up before the game. Which happened to be an amazing coincidence, because not 5 minutes later, the camera found Hasselhoff sitting in an aisle seat in the stands. They interviewed Hasselhoff in the stands, and it was refreshing to see that his look hasn't changed at all since the cd cover.

So why do Germans love Hasselhoff? There are some things that those of us with refined musical taste will just never understand. I would vote for the fact that he has engineered his way into their hearts. Somehow. We need to commission someone to research the Science of Hasselhoff to find some answers. I, for one, am never going to understand it.

Moby Shut-yo'-mouth

I've had one question on my mind for quite a while, that I can't seem to figure out. A good friend of mine has the last name of Melville. When most people hear the name Melville, they automatically think of the classic Moby Dick, written by Herman Melville. I first heard of the name Melville when learning about the book, and I would assume that is most people's experience.

So here's my question... What would my friend have to do to get out of the shadow of Moby Dick? Can he EVER do anything grandiose enough to be famous for his own efforts, so that when people hear the name Melville, they don't think Moby Dick instinctively?


As I have pondered this topic often over the years, I have wondered what it would be like to live in this shadow. Seems like everyone you meet, when they hear your last name, would ask "So... you related to Herman?" or, as I asked my friend when I first met him, "You related to Moby Dick?" His apt response was "The whale?"

What sort of thing would he have to do in his life to move out from Moby's shadow and start casting his own historic shadows that are at least as big as Moby's?

Senator? President? Serial Killer? Wheaties box? A character on Celebrity Jeopardy? The next Brandon on the next 90210? 756 home runs? Melville, by Calvin Klein...?

The LOL files

Is it just me, or has LOL usage come to the point of no return? It almost seems now that when someone responds to an email or text message with just "LOL" as the response, that they are mocking the sender.

Used to be that an LOL-only response made you feel good inside, like you had actually made the other person laugh out loud. But things have changed.

(One quick note on the history of LOL - apparently it was invented to ease the burden of typing a longer response over the internet. How painful is it really to type all 15 letters in "laughing out loud"?? I mean, I type around 4th grader speed, and it only takes me about 20 seconds to type the whole phrase out. You would have thought that in the days of the quill pen and ink-dipping that scribes would have invented LOL. Strange, I know.)

In fact, I know of two instances in the past month where I received a semi-unwanted text message that was meant to be funny. In both cases, I didn't find either of them funny or deserving of any mental effort on my part before sending a response to indicate that I didn't think it was as funny as the sender obviously did... my response in both cases was solely "LOL".

And what I meant by "LOL" was "Nice try. You may have thought that was funny, but my highly advanced sense of humor does not agree. Please don't waste my cyber-space with un-funny rubbish like that again. Make sure it's funny next time."

Is anyone out there still using LOL to say that they actually laughed out loud?