Reach for the Ground, Pardner

A few days ago while working, I noticed something rather disturbing. While picking up my keys, which had inadvertently fallen to the ground, I realized that at the ripe old age of 28, I am truly becoming a decrepit old man.

Detailed below is the 17-step process I have been using for the past few years, without realizing it, to reach the ground.

1. Take a deep breath
2. Spread feet apart, just wider than shoulder width
3. Perform the initial pre-crouch, by sticking your derriere straight back and down until your knees bend to a 30-degree angle
4. Stop!
5. Give your pants an upward tug by grabbing just above the knee and lifting slightly
6. Now, pay careful attention to bend at the knees
7. Placing your left hand on your left knee, lean weight onto your left knee * VERY IMPORTANT! Do Not Skip!
8. Grunt semi-satisfactorily
9. Touch the floor
10. Stay down. It took so much time to get here... take advantage of your accomplishment
11. Slowly straighten your back until you can see the horizon. To do this, push on your left knee using your left arm for leverage
12. Exhale air
13. Using all of the strength left in your legs and back, straighten yourself back to a vertical position
14. Realize that you are pathetic
15. Mutter to the nearest person, "I'm getting ooooooold". If no one else is around, you are still required to mumble this phrase to yourself
16. Try to remember the last time you had a physical examination
17. Convince yourself you'd rather go through this process than have the awkward "turn your head and cough" experience


Am I the only under-60 year-old male going through this on a regular basis?

To Camo, or Not to Camo?

According to my sources (which I wouldn't dare make up), over 90% of Americans have owned at least one article of camouflage clothing during their lifetime. And most of them still have that pair of camo pants or that camo t-shirt tucked away in their closets, collecting dust. I'm calling on any and all Americans with camo in the closet to throw it out, TODAY!

Why? What's wrong with camouflage?

Inherently, nothing. But that's only if it's being used for its inherent purpose - to disguise the wearer. See, the reason camouflage was invented dates all the way back to Rambo - First Blood (1982). Sylvester Stallone needed a way to disguise himself while HIDING from Sherriff Teasle in the FOREST (please note the 2 key words here are HIDING and FOREST).

In fact, according to self-proclaimed camouflage expert Roy R. Behrens, in his eye-opening paper titled A Chronology of Camouflage: A Pastiche in a Bouillabaisse, he brings to light the true purpose of camouflage - "camouflage could be described as disguising..two things as one, ..it causes confusion between an object and its background." Ok, so camouflage is confusing.

Let me clear up the confusion.

Are most people wearing their camo clothing to actually disguise themselves? NO. I don't care what you're hiding from, who you're hiding from, or if the other team knows you are out of paintballs... if you are wearing camouflage, you had better be HIDING from something. If you are not hiding from something and actively trying to blend in with your background, then please do us all a favor and GET RID OF THE CAMO.

Just today, I was at work (inside of Gold's Gym) and during one 5-minute period, four people walked through the front door wearing camouflage (two shirts and two pairs of pants). I began to wonder if N. Korea had decided to invade... so I looked outside to see if there had been a military attack on little old Phoenix. Nope. It was just a nice sunny 65 degree Friday in February. So what was going on? Do people really think it's ok to be wearing camouflage, or are all these people trying to hide? They definitely were not hiding, because each of the four people were wearing GREEN, FOREST camouflage - not the desert camo. Had they been wearing desert camo, I could use the excuse for each of them that they were in hiding. However, that not being the case, I'm left to believe they must have another excuse.

(Then I looked up on the Gold's TV and the music video that was playing at that very instant was Avril Lavigne's "Losing Grip" (YES, I had to look that up...). It's the video where she's looking angry and jumping around the stage in a camouflage shirt. [For all I know, that could be what all her videos look like..] but my point is, she was wearing camo. And this, to me, was a sign of the times. That's why I feel the need to comment today on camouflage. Someone has to do it. The madness must be stopped.)

So there has got to be another reason for all of this camo today. What could it be?

Is today, February 2nd, National Camo Day?

After checking all the calendars I could find, I've come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as National Camo Day. So there had better be a really good excuse for all this camo. Since I love to give people the benefit of the doubt, here is my short list of excuses for wearing camo that make it ok:

Camo Excuses
-YOU are an Army veteran and you are wearing your camo fatigues, which have your last name on them.
-Your brother or sister (who was/is in the Army) sent you camo fatigues, and they have your last name on them.
-You are Rambo (in fact, Rambo never actually wore camo... but Rambo can do whatever he wants).
-You live in a forest and you hunt elk/deer/moose for your subsistence.
-You live in a desert and you hunt coyotes/snakes for your subsistence (requires Desert-colored camo).
-You live in the tundra and you hunt polar bears for your subsistence (requires Snow camo).
-You are Arnold Schwarzeneger and you hunt Predator for a living.
-You are trying to blend in with your background for any reason at all. (HOWEVER, if this is the case, the camo MUST match the background, as this is the whole reason you are wearing camo to begin with). Two perfect examples are shown below:





For the good of the world, let's hope that everyone wearing camo has at least one of these excuses...